You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo, and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replied, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl went to the garage and said, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, then said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left, returning a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller. "Will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye.
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "WOO-HOO!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to pee, I realise I now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry) on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "Oh my God! I love this song!"
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own, so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to
your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport in which they played them.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquour
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquour
in a backwards country.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic
to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once
Canadian.
Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once
outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their
old ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don't understand subtle humour.
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. "The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful."
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said "But they look so close on the map."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
These are questions e-mailed to the Olympics info line in Sydney, Australia.
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) (Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who himself will need watering if his IQ drops any lower.)
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) (Depends on how much beer you've consumed.)
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) (Another intellectual giant.)
It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) (I'm not touching this one.)
Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) (Sure, it's only 7,000 miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for this October.)
Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) (And accomplish what?)
Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) (?)
Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) (Why bother? Use your fingers like everyone else.)
Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) (No. Everybody stinks.)
Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany) (Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, people's garages, and the national parks.)
Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) (This HAS to be a blonde.)
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) (Yes. Gay nightclubs.)
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) (Yes. At Christmas.)
Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany) (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)
Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA) (What's this guy smoking, and where can I get some?)
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) (Probably another blonde?)
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) (No rattlesnakes in Australia, sport!)
Which direction is north in Australia? (USA) (Face north and you should be about right)
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) (Americans have considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) (From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)
Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy) (Yes. Outdoors.)
I was in Australia in 1969 on R R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) (You should keep quiet about that, mate.)
