October 2006 Archives

Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren't....

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some."

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it in."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back and take it easy.....I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

This year, I resolve to...

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Not date any of the "Baywatch" cast.

7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

11. Not have eight children at once.

12. Get in a whole NEW rut!

13. Start being superstitious.

14. Personal goal: bring back disco.

15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.

16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

17. Buy an '83 El dorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.

20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

21. Not eat cloned meat.

22. Create loose ends.

23. Get more toys.

24. Get further in debt.

25. Not believe George Bush.

26. Break at least one traffic law.

27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

30. Stay off the MIR space station.

31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.

32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

33. Not swim with piranhas or sharks.

34. Associate with even worse business clients.

35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets.

37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison.

38. Wait around for opportunity.

39. Focus on the faults of others.

40. Mope about my faults.

41. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

With the Christmas season approaching, please look into your heart to help those in need. Hundreds of National Basketball Association basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level (Atrocious!). And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year-as a result of the current lock-out situation.

But now, you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.

This contribution by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers the yearly league minimum, but it's a start! Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than two months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, $700 will almost replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned - for a signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.

HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player.

My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star (Higher cost)
[ ] Superstar (Much higher cost)
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team (Cheerleaders not included.))
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.

Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _____________________ Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover

Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone. Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the difference time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214, 000 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

353,000 tons traveling at 660 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - if Santa ever did deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

This allegedly is a true holiday story. Some sites suggest Richard Pence as the author, but I have yet to verify this.

DON'S MOM AND THE TURKEY

It all started in July at a grocery store promotion. "How large is this turkey?" the local grocery store asked. Guesses ran to 30 pounds or so, but actually it was 42 pounds. This was, needless to say, a "large" turkey. But in July, no one wanted the turkey, and it was put in the freezer till a more auspicious time. And so it came to pass that Mom was in the store just before the Holidays in 1994, and since she is a naturally talkative person, she struck up a conversation with the butcher at the counter.

"I need a kind of big turkey for my family coming," said Mom.

To which the butcher replied, "Well, if you are looking for a big turkey, I may have just the thing."

And he hauled out the 42- pound bird for Mom. "Nice big bird," said Mom, "but it would cost far too much for my fixed income budget."

"Here's the deal," said the friendly butcher. "I can't move this bird at all at the usual price. No one wants a bird this big, so tell you what I'll do. I'll sell you this turkey for 49 cents a pound."

Mom, being nobody's fool, thought that such a purchase would be entirely reasonable. After all, twenty bucks for a really BIG turkey would be a reasonable price. And besides, of such stuff are Really Neat Family Legends made. (Little did she know.) "Sold," said Mom.

It took four days to thaw out. I showed up in Fargo two days before, and Mom was all a-twitter with ideas for how to put on a family dinner tour de force. We are talking "major" stuffing here. And so, off we went to the various stores to purchase dinner-making stuff. Let me point out something important here. No one makes a roasting bag to handle a 40 pound turkey. And few roasters can handle it either. So we bought one of those nifty open aluminum roasting pans, figuring to cover it with, oh, an acre or two of aluminum foil.

But there were some other interesting engineering problems to deal with. Like how to lift it. "No problem," said Mom, "we'll just get some cheesecloth, wrap the bird in a kind of sling, and lift it that way."

Elegant solution. Mom, methinks, has missed her true calling of engineer. And so, the Night Before, figuring we'd need a really long cooking time, we stuffed, slung, positioned, covered, vented the bird, and popped it in the oven at about 1:30 a.m. And so to bed, for a long winter's nap. Wrong.

At 3:15 a.m., I heard my Mom calling my name. Now you have to understand, when things are going well, I am "Don" to everyone, including Mom. But when that is not the case, I become "Donald." And Mom has a special way of saying Donald. "Donald," she said, "oh, Donald!" I responded groggily.

"What? Whatsamatter?" I know Mom, and waking folks at 3:15 a.m. is just not her style.

"Donald," she said, "we have a problem."

"What," I responded, "problem do we have?"

"Our turkey is running over," said Mom. The shift from "the" turkey to "our" turkey was subtly done, in retrospect. At the time, it was effective. This was now a joint crisis. For those who do not see such things clearly, it turns out that turkeys, in the process of cooking, release large quantities of juices, which for normal birds often later becomes gravy. For this bird, it had become a flood, and had overflowed the all-too- shallow roasting pan into the bottom of a hot oven. Smoke. Small apartment. Smoke detectors at 3:16 a.m., roughly corresponding to opening the oven door.

And cleaning turkey juices from the bottom of a hot oven at 3:19 a.m. is No Easy Thing, I can assure you. Many towels, not of the paper variety. Even some other cloth materials I still do not recognize. Mom is ready for any crisis of spill, it seems. And so it got cleaned up. The towels got put in the washer at about 3:30 a.m., the fans blew the smoke out of the apartment. The smoke detectors got reset, and so to bed, for an altogether shorter winter's nap. Wrong again.

The turkey overflowed again at 5:20 a.m. Same scenario, in all relevant ways. We tried to suck up some of the juices from the roaster, but the turkey baster bulb was bad, and wouldn't create a vacuum. Smoke alarms, much general good-natured grousing, and Mom standing around saying gratuitous things like "If I had known this would happen, I never would have bought that darned turkey." There is no way an eldest son can respond to that appropriately, other than with variations on a theme of, "Oh, it's all right, Mom. This is just Another Neat Adventure on the Road of Life, and Someday We'll All Laugh At This Together."

So we each played our preordained roles in the crisis, and by that time, it was time to shower and shave and get ready for the siblings, grandchildren, etc., and just hang out. By about 11:30 a.m., the tiny kitchen was crowded with sisters, each moving in a mysterious choreography, getting in each other's way, using the Very Dish That I Needed for things like glorified rice and other holiday dishes, and the general buzz of Big Holiday Meal Preparation. And when the time came to lift the bird, out it came in Mom's cheesecloth sling, just as nice as you please, and if I do say so myself, it looked like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting on its platter.

Much frenetic activity followed, including the required Making of the Gravy from what remained of the copious turkey juices in the bottom of the pan. Mom is not one of your cornstarch gravy people. She does a flour paste, mixing it thoroughly and putting it in a bowl, thereafter to be stirred into the gravy juices for several minutes, and it really is quite wonderful.

Now I have to tell you, I was standing right there, and I don't know how it happened. But somehow, the white glass bowl with the flour/water mixture in it ended up on top of the stove. On a burner. Which was on. The bowl was opaque white glass, not Pyrex, and not made for this kind of insult. And the bowl exploded. I don't mean cracked and fell apart, I mean "exploded," with a loud bang, and the throwing waist-high of glass splinters mixed with flour and water all around the kitchen, including onto the aforementioned hot burner, which promptly gave off a cloud of smoke, setting off the aforementioned smoke alarms yet again, which caused the smallest children to panic and cry -- well, you get the idea.

Rising (well, stooping actually) to the occasion, I: a. turned off the burner; b. threw everyone out of the kitchen; c. disconnected the smoke alarm; d. opened the windows; e. started to clean up the mess. Mom had been standing there all this time, watching this happen with an air of almost mystic detachment. I was looking directly at her when she recovered her equanimity. "Darn!," said Mom, "That was my last flour. I'll have to go to the store and get some more."

And she put her coat on and out the door she went. Leaving yours truly to once again reorganize the scene. And when she got back with flour, about 15 minutes later, all was again In Order, and the day progressed more or less uneventfully.

The dinner was magnificent. The quantity and quality of the leftovers were astonishing. It was, in every possible way, An Event of Significance. But (you may already have surmised) it was Not Yet Over.

Afterwards, the sisters took over the kitchen, cleaning everything up and generally fulfilling the role of Dutiful Daughters (no sexism implied, as I had already fulfilled the role of Dutiful Son for most of the previous long winter's night), packing the dishwasher, putting stuff away, etc. And, as it turned out, Turning On the Self-Cleaning Oven.

Now, for those not familiar with the technology, SCOs heat themselves up to a relatively high temperature, lock themselves (this is important) with a solenoid so that no one can open them again, then heat WAY up and literally burn the stuff off the inside, reducing it to a fine ash that can easily be wiped out or even sucked out with a small vacuum cleaner. Remember the turkey juice that had overflowed? Well, there was still a fair amount of it left on the bottom of the oven. We had not gotten around to sponging it out, and the late-arriving sister didn't know that needed to be done. So, oven REALLY hot and locked, turkey juice on the bottom, and a vent for excess heat. Smoke.

Not just a little smoke; we are talking SMOKE here -- billows of smoke, clouds of acrid smoke, really serious smoke. And the aforementioned smoke alarms, causing little children to panic and cry. Open windows, and smoke billows out. Open doors to hallway, and smoke fills the entire apartment complex. Which, of course, has its own smoke alarms and automatic fire department call relays. And we can't open the oven, which takes a while to cool down, and still pours smoke out the vents. So, smoke, alarms, neighbors, fire department folks. We gave them all some fudge, put fans in the windows, and assured everyone that The Situation is Temporary and Really Under Control.

Mom moved wraith-like through it all, and kept saying "Boy, we're going to remember this one for a long time."

20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :-)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :-("

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.

Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

Thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.

A Cat's Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs

10. Up on the Mousetop

9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas

8. Joy to the Curled

7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus

6. The First Meow

5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful

4. Silent Mice

3. Fluffy, the Snowman

2. Jingle Balls

1. Wreck the Halls!

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it's pay back time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1998:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?

4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher don't cut it. I want to make real money.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 39 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you you don't like it you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

As ever,
Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.  In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires.

First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns,and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Broadway Ken". Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken", "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken". These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been undeserved.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored will result in legal action by myself and others.

And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe. He's mine - at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

Can you imagine working at the following Company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

3 have been arrested for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are current defendants in lawsuits

In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

One night, George Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Go to the theater."

A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'"

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same."

These are sentences taken from actual letters, received by the Toronto Welfare Department, from applications for aid and assistance.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptised on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with cannot eat or do anything until he finds out.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

I haven't had any children as yet, as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilised and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realise that is the US President's airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor.

"I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know what a liar he is."

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the Road Again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

At a traffic light, it turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "Asshole", she muttered.

And, from the radio: "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States..."

The following extracts are perfectly genuine, taken from actual letters sent to the Dept of Health & Social Security. Although rather crude they are written in good faith by the senders:

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared.

The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.

Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.

Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her...

In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.

I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.

Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital to have her overtures out.

Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.

My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but finds he is lethargic to it.

Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.

The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.

Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and milkman.

You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?

Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.

Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

The man in the blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety.

Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to give you anything, my friends."

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to Oz. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great wizard? What do you want?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem," says the Wizard, "Who is next?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well... well... well... I need a brain."

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush, sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What brings you to emerald city?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

See how many of these you know, and no, Bill Clinton is not the correct answer for more than 2 of them.

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner and a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?

5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?

6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his reelection campaign?

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbour's wife while he was engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?

9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet (the one in Question 9)?

11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the President's?

12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo?

ANSWERS

1. John F. Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson

There was a postal worker whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting, to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

He opened it and read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady, addressed to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna

A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.

Born free. Taxed to death.

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

Don't steal - The government hates competition.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

War never decides who is right, only who is left.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted, then used against you.

"Criminal Lawyer" is redundancy.

HONK! If you had sex with the President

Adultery is not a family value

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Does character matter YET?

One More Whore And We Get Gore

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date your daughter.

Save the President: Legalise Perjury

Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

Horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA's response was just one sentence: "Thaw the chicken."

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin. In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour." Skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter "Z" (pronounced "zed," not "zee") and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra," e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more "bleeps" in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sitcoms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2008. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot dogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2008) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Cheney and the Bushes are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at George, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

George shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Laura tosses her hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Jenna rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

(Ed. note - As if Jenna would be that smart.)

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack.

7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if it's just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.

11. Pay your tax in coins. They have to accept it, even if it's all in pennies.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money. If they owe you money, being nice helps.

'Top 30 Signs Your HMO is Cutting Corners':

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

2. Use of antibiotics deemed an 'unauthorized experimental procedure.'

3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter the copy of 'War and Peace' he bought in the gift shop.

4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

6. Exam room has a tip jar.

7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

8. 'Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?'

9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

10. 'Take two leeches and call me in the morning.'

11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

15.'Pre-natal vitamin' prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

17. Directions to your doctor's office include, 'take a left when you enter the trailer park.'

18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is 'an apple a day.'

20. Check-out nurse calculates bill on pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs and printing on steam-powered printer.

21. Only proctologist in the plan is 'Gus' from Roto-Rooter.

22. Plan covers only 'group' gynecological exams.

23. Preprinted prescription pads that say 'Walk it off, Nancy-boy.'

24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

25. Recycled bandages.

26. You can get your flu shot as soon as 'the' hypodermic needle is dry.

27. Your 'primary care physician' is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK.

29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward. The obvious clue is that it's an HMO, of which the definition is "corner-cutter."

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killings in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."

Titanic Video: $9.99 on Internet.
Clinton Video: $9.99 on Internet.

Titanic Video: Over 3 hours long.
Clinton Video: Over 3 hours long.

Titanic Video: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton Video: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic Video: Villain: White Star Line.
Clinton Video: Villain: Ken Starr.

Titanic Video: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton Video: Bill is a B.S. artist.

Titanic Video: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton Video: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic Video: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton Video: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic Video: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton Video: Let's not go there.

Titanic Video: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton Video: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic Video: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
Clinton Video: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent.

Titanic Video: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton Video: Bill goes home to Hillary.

When someone puts in for Child  Support, the proper thing to do is find out who the father is and see why he is  not providing support. The following are all replies that  Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way..... Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the  forms. 

1. Regarding the identity of the  father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of  the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.  I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me. 

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC  CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

One day a cannibal visited a neighboring island. In the market there, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked, "Why are these politicians so much?"

The chief answered, "Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?"

President George Bush was visiting an elementary school and when he visited one of the classes, they were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy." So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush, "That's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," explained the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

by Lewis Napper

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, and do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those %&$^*@%$ deducted $95.00.

Three nurses died and went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"

"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."

"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."

In through the gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question, "So what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."

"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter."

In she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"

After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO"

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."

"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."

"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "But you can only stay for three days..."

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Somebody call the janitor. We're going to need a mop

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

4. Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

7. Oh no, I just lost my Rolex!

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?

9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

10. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

11. What's this doing here?

12. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

13. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

14. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

17. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

18. Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

19. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

20. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

21. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

22. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

23. What do you mean you want a divorce?

24. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!

25. FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!

26. Pssst! C'mon and watch. Pooh's going to goose the surgeon!

27. And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...

28. Your name is Rainy What, and you want to do what to the patient?

29. Hello, I'm Dr. Squiffy.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

09. He is one hard judge!

08. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

07. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

06. Is it a penal offense?

05. Better leave the handcuffs on.

04. For $200 an hour, she better be good!!

03. Can you get him to drop his suit?

02. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

01. Think you can get me off?

A woman was having a medical problem: her husband's snoring. She called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed. "Sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Hmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"  bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

While taking a coffee break, four surgeons were discussing their work. The first said, "Accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second opined, "No. Librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."

Number four grinned as he said, "You guys are missing it. Lawyers are definitely the easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

A doctor, an accountant and an attorney were stranded on a deserted island. One day, a bottle was swept to shore and all three were there to pick it up and open it. A Genie popped out (naturally) and declared, "I can grant three wishes for my release from the bottle, since there are three of you, I will grant one wish to each of you."

The doctor spoke up first. "I miss my home and my family, I wish I was back home in New York." He disappeared immediately.

The accountant becomes so excited, he jumps up and down and yells, "I miss my home, and all my friends, too - I wish I was back home in Los Angeles." He also disappeared.

The attorney is just standing in a daze looking a bit glum.  The Genie urges him, "Look, I've been in that bottle 200 years, I'm ready to get going. What is it that you want?"

The attorney, still in a daze slowly replies, "Aw, gee. I really miss those guys already. I sure wish they were back here with me."

The following misstatements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. Written by various health care professionals around the US, including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."

"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." Of course, by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky shortly thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies.  "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.  "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards.  BOOM!!  The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway
• He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser
• When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high five each other
• He picks the jury by playing Duck Duck Goose
• During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy
• He asks a hostile witness to 'pull my finger'
• Every couple of minutes he yells, 'I call Jack Daniels to the stand!' and proceeds to drink a shot
• He places a large 'No Refunds' sign on the defence table
• He begins closing arguments with, 'As Ally McBeal once said....'
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra
• Just before trial starts he whispers, 'The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?'
• As he says 'Your Honor,' he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers
• The sign in front of his law office reads 'Practicing Law Since 2:25 p.m.'
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, 'Whatever'
• He giggles every time he hears the word 'briefs'
• A prison guard is shaving your head

St. Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found one of the hinges was broken. He walked over to the pit and yelled down at the devil. The devil swaggers up says, "What do you want?"

"The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it."

The devil says, "Ah, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone to spare for the job right now."

Peter gets a bit miffed at this and says, "Look we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate."

The devil responded, "Ah... Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone around for this just now."

St. Peter turned red and exclaimed, "Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue."

A big grin broke out on the devil's face. "Oh yeah, sure you are... and just where are you going to find a lawyer?"

What the doctor says... and what he really means

"Well, what have we here...?" I have no idea and I'm hoping you'll give me a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little." Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...    

"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

These are 30 things people allegedly really said in court.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles. "Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.

"It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"

"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired. "Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
But give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore my bra.

After years of astute care,
My doctor found a bump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that lump.

"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
A vice-grip, at its best;
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless breast!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me up and down,
It squeezed me from the side,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped,....Ker-pow!

This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his genitals in there
And see how they come out!

15 Unforeseen Consequences of the Y2K Bug

15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.

14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.

13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 98 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.

12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey."

11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.

10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.

9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny...Oops, too late.

8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.

7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.

6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.

5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.

4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.

3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley."

2. Using a computerised adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!"

With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too."

He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don`t worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

• Your stationery lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two online services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back.
• You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
• You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house - only computers with laser printers.
• You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
• You disdain people who use dial-up.
• When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers - and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
• You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
• You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
• You know Bill Gates's e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
• You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
• You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
• Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
• You back up your data every day.
• Your wife asks you to pick up some mini pads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
• You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
• On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
• The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
• You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
• You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance, but you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
• You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
• You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
• Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
• You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
• While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
• You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
• You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
• You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
• You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better--the track ball or the track pad.
• You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

Why we should feel sorry for tech support:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

-

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

-

Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

-

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

-

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

-

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

-

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

-

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons... I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to.."

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet... Is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: (click)

-

Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash... it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Tech Support Request: Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell

Dear Mr. Powell,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything! It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony / Child Support.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Tech Support

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to sign up for more post graduate work just for the free Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 56K modems.

5. You start using emoticons in your snail mail. :-)

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows, "no new messages," you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name, and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

All computers wait at the same speed.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrow up

Backups? We don' need no steenking backups.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

E Pluribus Modem

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Hit any user to continue.

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy?  

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note;
A window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And a gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show;
A cursor used profanity,
and a keyboard was on a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age,
A cd was a bank account;
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file;
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road;
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut is what you did with a pocket knife,
And paste is what you did with glue;
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run".

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbours, turn up the sound blaster.

To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.

We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on "back".

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

Dt: 01-00
Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch, himself). Here it is:

General Motors Corporation, Michigan

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single General Car Default warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the start button to shut off the engine.

A pastor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
• They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

• No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Lewinsky virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone on your distribution list about it.

Ronald Reagan virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

Mike Tyson virus - Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus - Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus - Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Tim Allen (Tim Taylor) virus - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus - Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michael virus - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus - Only attacks minor files.

X-Files virus - All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

AT&T virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus - . Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

If America Online was a City...

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

5. 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com.

6. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

7. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

8. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

9. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."

10. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you.

11. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

12. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

13. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

14. Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say, "No." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW."

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defunct Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too

WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what a moon pie is.

6. You've never had an RC cola.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what applique is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).

29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30. You've never been to a craft show.

31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

32. You can do your laundry without quarters.

33. None of your fur coats is homemade.

List of Instructions To Be Given To All Yankees Moving To the South:

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Do us all a favor and just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here - get used to it. 

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty- five percent begin their new southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

19. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

20. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it's just something you're supposed to do.

21. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.   When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish costs considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

22. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

23. In Southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

24. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere,  and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

25. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for awhile. When she couldn't stand it anymore, she called out to the blonde in the field, "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"

The blond in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name!"

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and begins rowing again. The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself. She shook her fist at the blond in the field and yelled, "If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!"

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am that's your air freshener."

The USA is full of quaint, small towns. For those never having traveled to or lived in one, the following may give you an idea what life's like there.

Our hometown was so small that...

• long distance calls are delayed when the area code is busy
• in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
• the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
• instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols
• you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
• during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
• the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages
• during snowstorms, salt was spread using a salad shooter
• the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council & street sweeper
• the municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik
• before you visited, you could look out a window & see who was home
• the local Motel 6 sleeps six

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them.  When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram.  Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure.  You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no damn water bearers.  Virgins?  The  neighborhood's not crawling with them either. 

SO, what we need here is some relevance.  We need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

OKRA  Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside.  Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN  Jan 21 - Feb 19
Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds.  Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.  Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess.  Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.  Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL  Feb 20 - Mar 20
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.  Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in his right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

MOON PIE  Mar 21 - Apr 20
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy.  This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM  Apr 21 - May 21
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude.  Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you.  One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH  May 22 - Jun 21
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS  Jun 22-Jul 23
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers.  As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon  Pies. It just won't work.  Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH  Jul 24 - Aug 23
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:  Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand.  You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS  Aug 24 - Sep 23
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS  Sep 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best --your friends and loved ones-- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life.  On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN  Oct 24 - Nov 22
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO  Nov 23 - Dec 21
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

• she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'
• she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
• she told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DONT WALK'
• she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
• she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
• she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
• she tried to drown a fish
• she thought a quarterback was a refund
• she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
• if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back
• they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
• under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics'
• she tripped over a cordless phone
• she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
• at the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius'
• she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
• it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
• if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
• she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
• she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
• she sold the car for gas money
• when she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends
• when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
• when she drove to meet me at the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport Left' she turned around and went home

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurised?"

The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. That Mr. Opus was shot, on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level which would probably not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill Subject A but kills Subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of Subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes a murder on the part of the son for the death of Mr. Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.

(Once passed off as a true story, this is actually an urban legend or an illustrative fiction. See Snopes for more information.)

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hello!  It's only 25 cents!"

Gravity Kills - A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

Launched On the Fourth of July - Three young men in Oklahoma were anticipating the coming Fourth of July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements were atop a several-hundred-thousand-gallon fuel distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands of feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from their seats.

Don't Ask God To Prove Himself - A lawyer and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "Here I am, Lord - let me have it!"

Needless to say, God delivered (as you do). The other two passengers on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the Ministry.

Gimme a light! - Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition - lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.

Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

More Darwin Awards

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.

The blondes applauded.

Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"

Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

A new law recently passed in Alabama: When a couple gets divorced,
they're still brother and sister.

Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20.

Two Alabama people are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane
in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

Q: Why do folks in Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.

Q: What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Your job is interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
• Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• You fall off the floor.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger - screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
• At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
• You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,and [Women or Men].
• Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
• Roseanne looks good.
• Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
• That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
• Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
• "I'm as jober as a sudge."
• The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
• You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night

• 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
• Beer: it's not just for breakfast any more.
• Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
• I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• Seen it, Done it, Can't remember most of it.
• Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the nice thing to help him."

The husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes, please."

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

The stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says "I just had sex with your mom and it was sw-eee-eet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me - "

Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad. You're drunk!"

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as 'gross.'
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding a beer or two.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an moron.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale, The bitter and The lager.
For ever and ever.
BARMEN.

19 things to do in the bathroom stall

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh. (sigh relaxingly)

8. Say "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill a large flask with mountain dew. Squirt it erratically under the stalls of your neighbors while saying "Whoa! Easy boy."

11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

14. Say "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

1. "You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) (I'm easy.)

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) (I'm gay.)

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) (I'm horny.)

10. "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "Excuse Me." (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "Excuse Me." (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)

13. "Excuse Me." (female to male) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. "Excuse Me." (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

15. "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male) (I'm really gay.)

17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female) (I'm really easy.)

18. "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. "I don't have my ID on me." (female) (I'm 19.)

21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

Strict, Unbending Rules for Dealing with Stray Cats

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.

13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh 'n' Sweet kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the 'black man' in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, 'Thou shalt cross the road.' And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan: What chicken?

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

(Heard on the Mark Mason Show on KEX, Portland)

I heard the big owner on the radio with ways to talk about humans and still be politically correct. Well, here's "How to Talk About Cats and Still Be Politically Correct":

I'm not aloof. I am Hominoidally Unimpressed.

I don't shed. I develop Follicle Abdication.

I don't scratch. I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.

I don't purr. I am aurally appreciative.

I am not indifferent. I am Dispassionately Neutral.

I'm not small. I am Corpus Compactus.

I am not fat. I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.

I am not asleep. I am temporarily inert.

I don't chase mice. I am Rodent Defiant.

I am not fussy. I become a Fastidious Feline.

I am not hungry. I suffer from Craving Derangement Disorder.

I'm not fixed. I am Romantically Inaccessible.

And finally, the Big Owner isn't dumb. He is a Speed Bump on the Information Superhighway.

Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.

Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!

Dog: Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it?  I already KNOW whose it is!

Cat: Suck out one baby's breath and you're a pariah.

Goldfish: The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!

Parrot: Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy rotters ever really give me a cracker? HELL, no!!

Dog: Human legs that just tease.

Cat: Why are these people in my house?

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Moses," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Moses?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

It is reported that the following addition to the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where did pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and Eve and loved them. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,so he will know he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion for Adam. And CAT would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And CAT did not care one way or the other.

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from the top of the lamp and the pill from under the sofa.

3. Follow Step 1 procedure, but hold the cat's front paws down with your left hand and back paws with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under the bed. Get new pill from bottle (resist impulse to get new cat).

5. Again proceed as in Step 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop pill in -- quickly. As your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming the position outlined in Step 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...oops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing chaos.

10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach (resist impulse to flatten cat).

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast: time and tabbies wait for no man.

15. Resume position specified in Step 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the pets of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirin and lie down.

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution, but there's a condition. I would like to have an honourary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man said, "An honourary degree for my horse."

"For your horse?"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a horse!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief - except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep. One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honourary degree - no matter how much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honour. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an entire horse."

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that we learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats:

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad, and he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them, and they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window down when it's raining outside.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night hearing you protective bark, bark, bark...

Licking:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art Of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty as the family dog to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going For Walks:
When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall, so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats:
When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry - eat a shoe.

You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.

Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.

You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.

The trash can is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.

You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.

Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.

Your dog sleeps with you.

You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but the dog understands them all.

You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.

You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.

You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.

You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog is more comfortable.

On the first day of creation , God created the cat.

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.

On the third day, God created all the animals, to serve as potential food for the cat.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil, so man could labour for the good of the cat.

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball, so the cat might or might not play with it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinarians to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litter box.

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well, the vet replies, I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

I. DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":

• When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
• For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
• For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
• When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he cannot move around.

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." - Dave Platt

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." - Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." - English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." - Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." - Joseph Wood Krutch

"People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life." - Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." - Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." - Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." - Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." - Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." - Unknown

"Time spent with cats is never wasted." - Colette

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." - Joseph Wood Krutch

For Humans
Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?
a) Welcome home, I missed you
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me. NOW.
d) So, I see you didn't bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history

Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Have a nice day
c) But what if I get hungry while you're out?
d) Kiss that new vase goodbye

Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?
a) An unsuppressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
d) Have YOU had YOUR shots?
e) An attempt to 'fix' you like you 'fixed' him

Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?
a) Lemme out - I need to fertilize the garden
b) Wanna go out and play?
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
d) Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

When your cat stares at you, it means:
a) It is bored silly
b) It's trying to understand how its food grows in cans
c) You are being sized-up for an attack
d) Human mating habits are disgusting

Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:
a) A primal instinct is being displayed
b) You're not feeding me enough
c) It is showing a sign of affection by sharing
d) It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned
e) All of the above

Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:
a) Let it out immediately
b) Try to switch its interests to other things
c) Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out
d) If the other cat's owner is attractive, maybe you could double

Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:
a) It is showing you great affection
b) It knows you are allergic to cats
c) It has discovered the fine art of suffocation
d) You should have let it out tonight

For Cats
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
d) Let the begging begin

Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
a) Supper
b) Something he obviously wouldn't eat
c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready
d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat

Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it
d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again

Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human, in front of it
d) All of the above

Your human talks to or yells at you. You should:
a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand
b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing
c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing
d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behaviour

Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:
a) Important to humans and should be left alone
b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result
c) Annoying and should be removed immediately

Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:
a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed)
b) Played with until they stop playing
c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy
d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping
e) Consumed for their nutritional value

A human giving you a bath should be considered:
a) Under no circumstances
b) Under no circumstances
c) Under no circumstances
d) An act of war
e) All of the above

Your human's value is limited to:
a) Providing food
b) Providing water
c) Letting you out
d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship
e) Leaving you alone
f) All of the above; if properly trained

Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetis: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter, Anti-Matter, It Doesn't Matter.

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle's closer.

There's no dignity
In being sick - which is why
I don't tell you where.

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet.
For once I need you.

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise.
I've lost interest.

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

My brain: walnut-sized.
Yours: largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

I don't mind being
Teased, any more than you mind
A skin graft or two.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Toy mice, dancing yarn
Meowing sounds. I'm convinced:
You're an idiot.

1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence. What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats?

Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple: The have opposable thumbs. This makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.

2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping. Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.

Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:

• Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something he assumes is more important than you. Humans will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
• Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.

3. Punishing Your Human Being Sometimes
Despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire: the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

• Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
• Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
• Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
• After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
• While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

4. Rewarding Your Human:
Should Your Gift Still Be Alive? The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.

After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: Cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.

5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter. "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

(Pause)

"C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how cowardly her behaviour was, but not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

Cat Games

Cat Roller Poopies - Rules of Play

1. One or more cats and/or kittens may compete.

2. Poopies used must be good and dry and preferably rounded and small in order to roll properly and fit into the various goals.

3. A non-carpeted floor should be used as the playing court.

4. Game is to be played at night, just as owners are about to fall asleep.

5. Object of the game: 250 points to be scored within an 8 hour period of time divided into four 1 hour periods of play interchanged with four 1 hour periods of rest.

Scoring
1. Retrieval of poopies from the litter pan:
A. Two-paw retrieval.............................2 points
B. One-paw retrieval.............................5 points
C. Retrieval of inadequate or mushy poopie.......minus 5 points

2. Dribbling poopies
A. Non-stop to within 4 feet of litter pan.......3 points
B. Non-stop across the kitchen floor.............5 points
C. Non-stop from pan, through kitchen and into living room ...........7 points
D. Same as C, done in presence of the owner's dinner guests .............10 points

3. Passing of poopies (in air at least 2 seconds)
A. One kitty toss in air.........................3 points
B. Completed forward pass........................5 points
C. If poopie shatters on impact.................10 points

4. Goals in Roller Poopies
A. Under stove or refrigerator...................5 points
B. Under furniture with 1" clearance............10 points
C. Dead center of food plate....................15 points
D. Water dish...................................25 points

5. Bonus points
A. Water dish goals
1) For every hour before discovery..........5 points
2) If nearly dissolved upon discovery......10 points
3) If owner gags when dumping..............15 points

B. For placing in 3:00 A.M. path to bathroom so owner steps on it with bare feet........10 points
If stepped on with fleshy part of arch.......15 points

C. Movement of poopies up the stairs
1) With mouth (never observed)..............5 points
2) Using paws, 1 step at a time............10 points
3) On wooden steps between 12:00-6:00 A.M..20 points

D. Night-time bonus
1) After lights out.........................5 points
2) After 2:00 A.M..........................10 points
3) If owner confiscates it, having another one in play within 10 minutes.........15 points

For cat lovers everywhere, and for those of you who don't have a cat and wonder why.

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as if thou are transparent.

Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy bum.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy bum in thy human's face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital regions.

Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at thy first opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Now, do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a watering hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine.

The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said "I wish that the bear was gay!" and took off.

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully-grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were - to say the least - rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music anything, he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behaviour."

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Just because most of us aren't told the laws, that doesn't mean they don't exist. Ignorance of these laws is no excuse.

1. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time. The last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

2. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

3. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

6. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

7. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

8. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human. To forgive is not our policy.

15. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

16. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will be assigned less of it.

17. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

18. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

19. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

20. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

21. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

22. Following the rules will not get the job done.

23. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

24. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

25. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?!"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes - especially if you're male.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy!"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

13. Put M&M's on layaway.

14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me!! Pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink. explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loudly, "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar by herself, and drink glass of Coke without any "floaters"

9. To have my 14 year old answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

7. A shower, without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hiya, Mom" just as I put razor to my ankle.

6. A full-time cleaning person, who looks like Brad Pitt.

5. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2. To be able to sit down on a plane with my toddlers and not have someone moan, "Ohhh, nooo! Why me?"

1. Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison.

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything, then leaves.

SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career Limiting Move; Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while she or he is in earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. 'I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.'

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested document could not be located. 'Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man.'

GENERICA - Features of the suburban landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in 'We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in.'

OHNOSECOND - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a CLM or other BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate friendship, as in 'This is Michelle, my...um...friend.'

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with 'Go to Hell.'

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Stop asking me all these damn questions!'

8. Your garbage can IS your 'In' box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your Day Timer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

18. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car

17. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses

16. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks

15. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents

14. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains

13. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow

12. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical

11. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet

10. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes

9. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long, some of the products don't even exist anymore

8. You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits

7. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work

6. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables

5. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living

4. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week

3. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbours

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a 'rush job', run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me.

The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

(swallowing) Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food...

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........
AT&T: (click)

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

Hear the sounds, and enjoy the peace.

Feel the sweet air on your face, your skin.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

Stephen Wright II

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Stephen Wright

• After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
• Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
• I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
• There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• What a nice night for an evening.
• Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
• My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at THE OFFICE but Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
09. Mind if I use your laptop?
08. Just stick it in my box.
07. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
06. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
05. HMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
04. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
03. It's an entry-level position.
02. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number one thing that sounds Dirty at THE OFFICE but isn't...

It's not fair...I do all the work while she just sits there!

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house, e.g. chairs, books, lamps, etc.

4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans. If they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I, uh, mean other garbage." Walk away laughing hystericall