Politically Correct Cats

(Heard on the Mark Mason Show on KEX, Portland)

I heard the big owner on the radio with ways to talk about humans and still be politically correct. Well, here's "How to Talk About Cats and Still Be Politically Correct":

I'm not aloof. I am Hominoidally Unimpressed.

I don't shed. I develop Follicle Abdication.

I don't scratch. I cause temporary hemoglobin displacement.

I don't purr. I am aurally appreciative.

I am not indifferent. I am Dispassionately Neutral.

I'm not small. I am Corpus Compactus.

I am not fat. I have a Distended Cat Food Storage Facility.

I am not asleep. I am temporarily inert.

I don't chase mice. I am Rodent Defiant.

I am not fussy. I become a Fastidious Feline.

I am not hungry. I suffer from Craving Derangement Disorder.

I'm not fixed. I am Romantically Inaccessible.

And finally, the Big Owner isn't dumb. He is a Speed Bump on the Information Superhighway.