February 2007 Archives

A male pastor walked into a neighbourhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there - and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

The bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and the clergyman proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Schlomo in Brooklyn lived in a large mansion with the faithful dog that he loved for 14 years. The dog was his best friend and only companion. One day, the dog died, and a heartbroken Schlomo went to his Rabbi and there inquired, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature?"

The Rabbi replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue. But a few blocks over, there is a new temple that opened, reformed folk I think, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for your dog."

Rising, Scholmo sighed and said, "Yes. So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Rabbi replied, "So Schlomo, come sit down already. And why didn't you tell me your dear dog was Orthodox?"

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• God must love stupid people; he made so many.
• Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
• Jesus is coming; everyone look busy.
• Jesus loves you; everyone else thinks your an asshole.
• Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
• Jesus paid for our sins... now let's get our money's worth.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
• The Meek shall inherit the earth... after we're through with it.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to the Lord.

The priest explains, "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The minister says, "Yes, I use a similar method, except that whatever lands inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims, "Brothers we are in agreement!  I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants, He can keep."

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent. A few moments later the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the crap out of him.

5. We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."

6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

7. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

9. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"

10. Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the Cherry."

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rev 3:20:- "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10:- "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!"

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito. "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter, you know. "

Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there. Goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron. Goodbye."

He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you - how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, "Hey! What's the matter? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets, and you've got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

There was a nun whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.

Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk, so she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. When she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut, and we'll discuss it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair..."

"Yes, my son, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original Jaws story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognise besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio ever to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass, led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd out of the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. The atheist's life was good - he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured - whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

One day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.]

8:00 a.m. - Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dick Cheney briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02 a.m. - Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13 a.m. - Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist, then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes, and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04 a.m. - Global economy collapses-except in case of Simpsons products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:45 a.m. - All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40 a.m. - Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32 a.m. - In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling."

12:00 NOON - Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03 p.m. - Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11 p.m. - Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46 p.m. - Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18 p.m. - Saddam Hussein rises from the dead and takes Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn.

3:21 p.m. - Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56 p.m. - Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20 p.m. - Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.

6:12 p.m. - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.

7:16 p.m. - Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27 p.m. - God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait!" yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad!" Jesus cried. "I'm trying to make a point here!"

10. Viagra: The quicker picker upper
9. Viagra: One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra: When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra: Home of the whopper
6. Viagra: It plumps when you take 'em
5. Viagra: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Viagra: Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra: Ten inches long... and growing.
2. Viagra: We work harder, so you don't have to.

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1 This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be OK," and for her first wish she asked to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world - an Adonis - and women will flock to him?"

The woman replied, "That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, poof - she became the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be OK, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine."

So, poof - she became the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish. The woman answered "I'd like a mild heart attack."

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally good looking, sexy, young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100. But, there's one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words," she replied.

The man considered her proposition for a moment. Then, he withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he put into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes, and then slowly and meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elayne Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor. " I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck

A couple, both aged 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

There was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything.

He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair - including the wedding party - was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you," he turned to the bride and said Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorised personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labour cause haemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitise nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties
You make the bed... +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1
You leave the toilet seat up... -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom... -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... +5
But return with beer... -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something... +5
You pummel it with a six iron... +10
It's her father... -10

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy... -2
named Tiffany... -4
Tiffany is a dancer... -6
Tiffany has implants... -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly... +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"... +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"... -6
That woman is her sister... -90
You have one drink, and that's it... 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted... -18

Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car... +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional... 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk... +3
Most of it chips and beer... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
Or refinishing the floors... +16
Or rewiring the basement... +17
Or adding a second floor... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket... -6
And you're tickled pink about it... -15
You visit her parents... 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation... +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television... -3
And the television is off... -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear... -6
And you didn't even go to college... -10
And it's not your underwear... -15

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... +1
Okay, it is a sports bar... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favorite team... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing... +4
If you stink... +2
If you're not half bad... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause... -2
You give her a gift... 0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance... -10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day... -10
With her credit card... -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big... -40

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely... -20
You forget your anniversary... -30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station... -45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey... -50

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal... -5
And the pal is happily married... -4
Or frighteningly single... -7
And he drives a Mustang... -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED)... -15
You have a few beers... -9
And miss curfew by an hour... -12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call... -20
You get home at 3 am... -30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars... -40
And not wearing any pants... -50
Is that a tattoo??... -200

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late... +10
You wait up... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20

A Night At Home
You watch TV together... 0
You rent a movie... +2
You rent a movie and it's Sense & Sensibility... +3
It's Sense & Sensibility and you stay awake throughout... +5
It's Sense & Sensibility and you fall asleep... -1
It's Sense & Sensibility and you fall asleep and drool... -2

A Night Out
You take her to a movie... +2
You take her to a movie she likes... +4
You take her to a movie you hate... +6
You take her to a movie you like... -2
It's called DeathCop 3... -3
Which features cyborgs having sex... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans... -15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... +20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... +30
And she contracts Lyme disease... -25

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly... -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts... -5

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical... -5
Something she can't use... -10
Such as a motorised model airplane... -20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday... -40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip... -4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal... -25
You know them... -60

The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?"... -5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding... -10
You reply, "Where?"... -35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... +10
She realises this is because you've fallen asleep... -20

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or battered you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town - doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town - when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20," she said.

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants."

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look. Another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.

"Well," the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"

"No," said the other.

"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking, usually at the least opportune time."

"Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?"

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife?'" asked the first.

"Yes?"

"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, 'I now sentence you to death.'"

• All men are idiots, and I married their King.
• Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
• Grow your own dope: Plant a man.
• Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face... on the back of a milk carton.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Life is too short to date ugly men.
• Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Missing: Husband And Dog - $100.00 Reward For Dog
• My wife says if I go fishing one more time,she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
• So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• There's one in every crowd, and he always finds me.
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
• Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
• When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again, demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts - it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! Come on,
you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Three guys were out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they caught a mermaid who begged to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just didn't believe it, and said, "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid said, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy started reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight. The second guy was so amazed he said to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid said, "Done."

The guy started to spout all the mathematical solutions to problems that had been stumping all the scientists of varying fields - physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy was so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he said to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looked at him and said, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy replied, "Nope, I want to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," begged the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking. It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else - a million dollars, anything?"

No matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested