February 2007 Archives

A male pastor walked into a neighbourhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there - and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

The bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and the clergyman proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Schlomo in Brooklyn lived in a large mansion with the faithful dog that he loved for 14 years. The dog was his best friend and only companion. One day, the dog died, and a heartbroken Schlomo went to his Rabbi and there inquired, "Rebbe, my dog is dead. Could you please offer a prayer for this faithful creature?"

The Rabbi replied, "No, we cannot hold services for an animal in our synagogue. But a few blocks over, there is a new temple that opened, reformed folk I think, and no telling what they believe, maybe they can hold services for your dog."

Rising, Scholmo sighed and said, "Yes. So I'll go see them now. Do you think $10,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The Rabbi replied, "So Schlomo, come sit down already. And why didn't you tell me your dear dog was Orthodox?"

• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• God must love stupid people; he made so many.
• Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
• Jesus is coming; everyone look busy.
• Jesus loves you; everyone else thinks your an asshole.
• Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
• Jesus paid for our sins... now let's get our money's worth.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
• The Meek shall inherit the earth... after we're through with it.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to the Lord.

The priest explains, "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God."

The minister says, "Yes, I use a similar method, except that whatever lands inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."

The rabbi then proclaims, "Brothers we are in agreement!  I use the same method, as well. Except, that when I toss the money in the air, and I figure that whatever God wants, He can keep."

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent. A few moments later the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor.

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the crap out of him.

5. We do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."

6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

7. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."

9. The recommended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"

10. Last, but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the Cherry."

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door, even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rev 3:20:- "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10:- "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself."

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when his boat was suddenly attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster, either!"

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly.

They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito. "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter, you know. "

Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there. Goodbye."

He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times."

St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron. Goodbye."

He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you - how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"

St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"

A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby.

Vito asks, "Hey! What's the matter? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets, and you've got a new Ferrari!"

Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there was this one time when I was drivin' down a road and I saw a giant group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

There was a nun whose worn-out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her. Not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.

Mother Superior knew the elderly sister loved milk, so she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

After a few more years, even that spiked milk couldn't help and the aged sister approached her final hour. As several nuns gathered around her at her bedside, the Mother Superior asked if she wanted to leave them with any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. When she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut, and we'll discuss it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair..."

"Yes, my son, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original Jaws story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognise besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio ever to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass, led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd out of the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. The atheist's life was good - he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured - whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

One day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.]

8:00 a.m. - Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dick Cheney briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02 a.m. - Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13 a.m. - Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist, then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes, and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04 a.m. - Global economy collapses-except in case of Simpsons products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:45 a.m. - All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40 a.m. - Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32 a.m. - In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling."

12:00 NOON - Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03 p.m. - Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11 p.m. - Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46 p.m. - Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18 p.m. - Saddam Hussein rises from the dead and takes Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn.

3:21 p.m. - Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56 p.m. - Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20 p.m. - Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.

6:12 p.m. - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.

7:16 p.m. - Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27 p.m. - God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathise or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait!" yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad!" Jesus cried. "I'm trying to make a point here!"

10. Viagra: The quicker picker upper
9. Viagra: One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra: When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra: Home of the whopper
6. Viagra: It plumps when you take 'em
5. Viagra: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Viagra: Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra: Ten inches long... and growing.
2. Viagra: We work harder, so you don't have to.

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1 This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be OK," and for her first wish she asked to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world - an Adonis - and women will flock to him?"

The woman replied, "That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, poof - she became the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be OK, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine."

So, poof - she became the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish. The woman answered "I'd like a mild heart attack."

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally good looking, sexy, young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100. But, there's one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words," she replied.

The man considered her proposition for a moment. Then, he withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he put into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes, and then slowly and meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elayne Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor. " I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck

A couple, both aged 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

There was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything.

He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair - including the wedding party - was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you," he turned to the bride and said Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorised personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labour cause haemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitise nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties
You make the bed... +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1
You leave the toilet seat up... -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom... -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... +5
But return with beer... -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something... +5
You pummel it with a six iron... +10
It's her father... -10

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy... -2
named Tiffany... -4
Tiffany is a dancer... -6
Tiffany has implants... -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly... +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"... +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"... -6
That woman is her sister... -90
You have one drink, and that's it... 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted... -18

Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car... +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional... 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk... +3
Most of it chips and beer... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
Or refinishing the floors... +16
Or rewiring the basement... +17
Or adding a second floor... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket... -6
And you're tickled pink about it... -15
You visit her parents... 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation... +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television... -3
And the television is off... -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear... -6
And you didn't even go to college... -10
And it's not your underwear... -15

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... +1
Okay, it is a sports bar... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favorite team... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing... +4
If you stink... +2
If you're not half bad... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause... -2
You give her a gift... 0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance... -10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day... -10
With her credit card... -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big... -40

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely... -20
You forget your anniversary... -30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station... -45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey... -50

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal... -5
And the pal is happily married... -4
Or frighteningly single... -7
And he drives a Mustang... -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED)... -15
You have a few beers... -9
And miss curfew by an hour... -12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call... -20
You get home at 3 am... -30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars... -40
And not wearing any pants... -50
Is that a tattoo??... -200

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late... +10
You wait up... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20

A Night At Home
You watch TV together... 0
You rent a movie... +2
You rent a movie and it's Sense & Sensibility... +3
It's Sense & Sensibility and you stay awake throughout... +5
It's Sense & Sensibility and you fall asleep... -1
It's Sense & Sensibility and you fall asleep and drool... -2

A Night Out
You take her to a movie... +2
You take her to a movie she likes... +4
You take her to a movie you hate... +6
You take her to a movie you like... -2
It's called DeathCop 3... -3
Which features cyborgs having sex... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans... -15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... +20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... +30
And she contracts Lyme disease... -25

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly... -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts... -5

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical... -5
Something she can't use... -10
Such as a motorised model airplane... -20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday... -40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip... -4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal... -25
You know them... -60

The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?"... -5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding... -10
You reply, "Where?"... -35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... +10
She realises this is because you've fallen asleep... -20

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or battered you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town - doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town - when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20," she said.

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants."

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look. Another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.

"Well," the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"

"No," said the other.

"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking, usually at the least opportune time."

"Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?"

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife?'" asked the first.

"Yes?"

"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, 'I now sentence you to death.'"

• All men are idiots, and I married their King.
• Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
• Grow your own dope: Plant a man.
• Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face... on the back of a milk carton.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Life is too short to date ugly men.
• Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Missing: Husband And Dog - $100.00 Reward For Dog
• My wife says if I go fishing one more time,she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
• So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• There's one in every crowd, and he always finds me.
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
• Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
• When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again, demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts - it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! Come on,
you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Three guys were out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they caught a mermaid who begged to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just didn't believe it, and said, "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid said, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy started reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight. The second guy was so amazed he said to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid said, "Done."

The guy started to spout all the mathematical solutions to problems that had been stumping all the scientists of varying fields - physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy was so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he said to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looked at him and said, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy replied, "Nope, I want to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," begged the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking. It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else - a million dollars, anything?"

No matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters you, too, can be a real man - as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU: The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake and I'm Not, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective
(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important 1

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 102 Utilisation of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her

Men are like... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like... Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like... Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
- Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
- Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
- Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country: men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
- Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
- Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
- Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
- Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

Answers to the question "Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. What? And spoil my great sex life?

4. Nobody would believe me in white.

5. Because I just love hearing this question.

6. Just lucky, I guess.

7. It gives my mother something to live for.

8. My fiance/e is awaiting his/her parole.

9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren't you thin?

24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre, where they saw a statue of a nude male.

"What is that?" asked the child, pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your
hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her bitch: Priceless

There are some things that money can't buy.
For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Before: You take my breath away.
After: I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before: Twice a night.
After: Twice a month.

Before: She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
After: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

Before: Lucy and Ricky.
After: Fred and Ethel.

Before: Saturday Night Fever.
After: Monday Night Football.

Before: Don't stop.
After: Don't start.

Before: Is that all your having?
After: Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.

Before: It's like I'm living in a dream.
After: It's like he lives in a dorm.

Before: $60/doz.
After: $1.50/stem

Before: Turbo charged
After: Jump start

Before: We agree on everything
After: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before: Victoria's Secret
After: Fruit of the Loom

Before: Charming and Noble
After: Chernobyl

Before: Feathers and handcuffs
After: Ball and chain

Before: Idol
After: Idle

Before: I love a woman with curves
After: I never said you were fat

Before: He's completely lost without me.
After: Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before: Time stood still.
After: This relationship is going nowhere.

Before: Croissant and cappuccino
After: Toast and instant

Before: You look so seductive in black.
After: Your clothes are so depressing.

Before: Oysters
After: Fish sticks

Before: I've never met anyone like you.
After: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

Before: Passion
After: Ration

Before: Once upon a time
After: The end

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! you son of a bitch, Die!'"

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It has been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

He replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter, and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

He goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "What kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first woman.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the second.

They haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

The second woman protested, saying, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa, there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

The Original Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.

The New Versions:

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she doesn't come back within some time limit, forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that.

Bill Gates:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Overly Possessive:
If you love somebody
don't Set her free.

HR Specialist:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

Psychologist:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme;
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
If she comes back, it's a nightmare;
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Finance Expert:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Feminists tell us that men rule the world. This is not true, because if they did...

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your betrothed with a giant foam hand that read, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same but it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

... I have some really hard words to look up in the dictionary.

... I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

... I have to fluff my shower cap.

... I have to fulfill my potential.

... I left my body in my other clothes.

... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

... I'll be looking for a parking space.

... I'm being deported.

... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

... I'm sandblasting my oven.

... I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.

... I'm worried about my vertical hold.

... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

... I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.

... it's too close to the turn of the century.

... my Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.

... my plot to take over the world is thickening.

... my subconscious says no.

... none of my socks match.

... the grunion are running.

... the last time I went, I never came back.

... the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination promptly.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case
4. Finally rolls down window
5. Hocks a loogie
6. Pulls up to a 7-11
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway
9. Gets back into car
10. Farts
11. After he closes the door
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was
14. Almost hits a deer
15. Curses the night
16. Curses you
17. Curses the large Slurpee
18. Stops by the side of the road
19. Takes a leak
20. Still taking a leak
21. Almost done
22. I think
23. Returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway
27. He hates your sister
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious
30. Couldn't find a dictionary
31. Finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious
33. Seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside
35. And of course you're still lost.

Note: All "real men" answer C to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the C answers.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother, and you are Al Pacino, and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game and she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the colour of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife, is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. He was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

Good: You and your hubby agree - no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem. It's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asked the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The wife didn't mind, either, so the genie took her upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. He offered him freedom, as long as Arthur could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend. Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. So it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for an horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd been a witch, half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question. Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she is still a witch.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," the bride replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic - "

Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama - words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, and Cook!"

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, as she dined on frog legs, the princess kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

• Maternity leave would last two years... with full pay.
• There would be a cure for stretch marks.
• Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
• Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
• All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
• Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
• Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
• They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
• Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 p.m.
• Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
• Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
• They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
• Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
• Women would rule the world.

Said: Can't we just be friends?
Meant: There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

Said: I just need some space...
Meant: ...without you in it.

Said: Do I look fat in this dress?
Meant: We haven't had a fight in a while.

Said: No, pizza's fine.
Meant: Cheap bastard.

Said: I just don't want a boyfriend now.
Meant: I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

Said: Come here.
Meant: My puppy does this too.

Said: I like you, but...
Meant: I don't like you.

Said: You never listen.
Meant: You never listen.

Said: We're moving too fast.
Meant: I am not sleeping with you until I find out if this guy in billing has a girlfriend.

Said: I'll be ready in a minute.
Meant: I am ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.

Said: I'm just going out with the girls.
Meant: We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Said: There's no one else.
Meant: I'm doing your brother.

Said: Size doesn't matter.
Meant: Unless I want an orgasm.

WOMEN'S

"Yes" = No, sometimes Yes (you figure it out)

"No" = Yes, sometimes No (your problem again)

"Maybe" = No.

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry.

"We need" = I want.

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.

"We need to talk" = I need to complain.

"Sure. Go ahead" = I don't want you to.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.

"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"Hang the picture there" = NO, I mean hang it there!

"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not going to like.

"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?!" = [Too late, you're dead.]

"Was that the baby?" = Get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

"I'm not yelling!" = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.

MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.

"I'm tired" = I'm tired.

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage = I want to have sex with you.

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to have sex with you.

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless, self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now.

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before.

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50, and it doesn't look any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(While shopping) "I like that one better" = Pick any freaking' dress you want and let's go!

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. "That's the elephant's trunk, son," his father answered.

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No. Down there."

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A local fisherman responded. The man gasped, "My wife is drowning, and I can't swim. If you save her, I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. So tell me, what do I owe you?"

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes 'look bigger.'
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce.

"Your Honour," he said, "My client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

There's an old Indian standing on the corner when a good-looking woman passes by, on her way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"

The same happens several days in a row: the woman walks past, and the Indian raises his hand and says, "Chance!"

Finally, one day, she can ignore it no longer. She stops and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?"

He nods.

She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."

The Indian replies, "Already know 'how.' Just want 'chance.'"

Every year, Stumpy and his wife, Martha, went to the State Fair, and every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." Every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word, it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed, and up they went. The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He even did a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars!"

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easily.

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, which is clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

"Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that motherfucker would've tried that shit with me.'"

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of suggested new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late.
Instead Of: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Try Saying: I'm certain that is not feasible.
Instead Of: No fucking way.

Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: You've got to be shitting me.

Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Try Saying: Of course I'm concerned
Instead Of: Ask me if I give a shit.

Try Saying: I wasn't involved in that project.
Instead Of: It's not my fucking problem.

Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the fuck?

Try Saying: I'm not sure I can implement this.
Instead Of: Fuck it - it won't work.

Try Saying: I'll try to schedule that.
Instead Of: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

Try Saying: Are you sure this is a problem?
Instead Of: Who the fuck cares?

Try Saying: He's not familiar with the problem.
Instead Of: He's got his head up his ass.

Try Saying: Excuse me sir?
Instead Of: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.

Try Saying: So you weren't happy with it?
Instead Of: Kiss my ass.

Try Saying: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
Instead Of: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Try Saying: I don't think you understand.
Instead Of: Shove it up your ass.

Try Saying: I love a challenge.
Instead Of: This job sucks.

Try Saying: You want me to take care of that?
Instead Of: Who the hell died and made you boss?

Try Saying: I see.
Instead Of: Blow me.

Try Saying: Yes, we really should discuss it.
Instead Of: Another fucking meeting!

Try Saying: I don't think this will be a problem.
Instead Of: I really don't give a shit.

Try Saying: He's somewhat insensitive.
Instead Of: He's a fucking prick.

Try Saying: She's an aggressive go getter.
Instead Of: She's a ball-busting bitch.

Try Saying: I think you could use more training.
Instead Of: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realised that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?" asked the woman. "For a frog?"

"It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."

Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen and got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.

"Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000," and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

The president laughed. "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

"So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president. "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

At precisely 10:00 a.m. the next morning, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again, and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom, followed by another a few minutes later. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," replies the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After two months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks, etc. He called her into his office. "But why?" he asked.

"Nothing, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know," said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair. "Look I haven't had this before. It's the broom's bristles, I tell you."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha. My dear, it's nature. Look I have it too."

"Oh no!" the girl cried. "I can't wait two weeks - I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"

Arachnoleptic fit - n. The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug - n. Satan in the form of a mosquito, fly or gnat that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone - n. The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration - n. The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor - n. The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon - n. The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect - n. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant - n. An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an ET-ry.

Grantartica - n. The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe - n. The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication - n. Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation - n. A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy - n. An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash - n. A rapidly receding hairline.

Bustard - n. A very rude Metrobus driver.

Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Circumvent - n. The opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee - n. A person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade - v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted - adj. Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence - n. The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle-n. An olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Willy-nilly - adj. Impotent.

Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.

Marionettes - n. Residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Negligent - adj. Describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster - n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Rectitude - n. The formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Semantics - n. Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

• 43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
• 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
• A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....
• All generalisations are false.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
• An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on.
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
• Another dopeless hope fiend.
• As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
• Assassins do it from behind.
• Avoid Alliteration... Always.
• Avoid cliches like the plague.
• Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
• Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• Death to all fanatics!
• Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• Does fuzzy logic tickle?
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
• Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Eschew obfuscation.
• Evil is not all bad.
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
• For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
• Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
• He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard.
• Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.
• Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
• I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
• I disagree with unanimity.
• I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
• I have my doubts about disbelief.
• I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
• I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
• i souport publik edekasion
• I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
• If: a two letter word for futility.
• Impotence: Nature's way of saying - "No hard feelings"
• Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
• Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
• My karma ran over your dogma.
• No sense being pessimistic.It wouldn't work anyway.
• Nonconformists are all alike.
• On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• One good turn gets all the blankets.
• One should never generalise.
• Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
• Prejudiced people are all alike.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
• So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions? hypothetically...
• The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
• The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
• The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
• There's no such thing as nonexistence.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
• We do precision guesswork (Census Bureau official motto)
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jim Beaver, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

• I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
• Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
• Gun wounds again?
• Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
• A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
• Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
• Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
• Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
• This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
• Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
• I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
• You daring lousy guy.
• Beat him out of recognizable shape!
• Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
• I have been scared silly too much lately.
• I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
• Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
• The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
• How can you use my intestines as a gift?
• Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
• You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Elvis Year: The peak year of something or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the Internet error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

A bloke turns up to a fancy dress party (costume ball) stark naked. Aside from the fact that he's in the buff, he also has a woman clinging to his back. The host of the party opens the door and her jaw drops to the ground. "What on earth do you think you're doing?" she blasts. "This is a fancy dress party! Where's your fancy dress?!"

Stunned by the host's apparently uninformed reaction, the man gathers himself and calmly states, "What do you mean? This is my fancy dress. I've come as a snail."

The woman is dumbfounded. "A snail?" she replies.

"Yeah, that's right, a snail," says the man.

"Explain yourself," demands the host.

"Well," begins the man, "it's really quite simple. I've come as a snail - snails don't wear clothes; therefore, I am naked."

"Okay," says the host, "but what about the girl on your back?"

"Oh," says the man, "that's Michelle."

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder - those are friars!"

Below is a list of words. Read each of these words with the word "bear" before each all the way down.

Bear
Say
Ass
Dumb
This
Make
Can
I
Times
Many
How
Look

Now repeat the exercise going up the list.

Now read the list going up without saying bear before the words.