Armageddon

[The really intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out. Here is a more fast-paced version.]

8:00 a.m. - Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. Dick Cheney briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02 a.m. - Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13 a.m. - Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist, then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes, and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04 a.m. - Global economy collapses-except in case of Simpsons products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:45 a.m. - All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40 a.m. - Abyss opens, releasing foreboding cloud of black smoke and plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32 a.m. - In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling."

12:00 NOON - Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03 p.m. - Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11 p.m. - Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46 p.m. - Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18 p.m. - Saddam Hussein rises from the dead and takes Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn.

3:21 p.m. - Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56 p.m. - Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20 p.m. - Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.

6:12 p.m. - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.

7:16 p.m. - Jewel dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27 p.m. - God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.