You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo, and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replied, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl went to the garage and said, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, then said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left, returning a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller. "Will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye.
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "WOO-HOO!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to pee, I realise I now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine sandwich (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry) on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "Oh my God! I love this song!"
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own, so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to
your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport in which they played them.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquour
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquour
in a backwards country.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic
to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once
Canadian.
Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once
outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their
old ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don't understand subtle humour.
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. "The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful."
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said "But they look so close on the map."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
These are questions e-mailed to the Olympics info line in Sydney, Australia.
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK) (Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this question, who himself will need watering if his IQ drops any lower.)
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) (Depends on how much beer you've consumed.)
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) (Another intellectual giant.)
It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy) (I'm not touching this one.)
Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany) (Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held in Sydney.)
I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) (Sure, it's only 7,000 miles, so you'll need to have started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for this October.)
Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden) (And accomplish what?)
Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) (?)
Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) (Why bother? Use your fingers like everyone else.)
Do you have perfume in Australia? (France) (No. Everybody stinks.)
Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany) (Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, people's garages, and the national parks.)
Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) (This HAS to be a blonde.)
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) (Yes. Gay nightclubs.)
Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) (Yes. At Christmas.)
Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany) (Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.)
Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany) (Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.)
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA) (What's this guy smoking, and where can I get some?)
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) (Probably another blonde?)
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) (No rattlesnakes in Australia, sport!)
Which direction is north in Australia? (USA) (Face north and you should be about right)
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) (Americans have considerable trouble distinguishing between Austria and Australia.)
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) (From Liz Taylor, perhaps?)
Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors? (Italy) (Yes. Outdoors.)
I was in Australia in 1969 on R R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA) (You should keep quiet about that, mate.)
The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the area.
We advise that people wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. We also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
An American soldier serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
17 BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW JERSEY
1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right, as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.
2. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance: he might not have much to lose, you do.)
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
7. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.
8. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make NJ look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic on the Garden State Parkway.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you're lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged, the proceeds of which are vested directly into the Democratic frontrunner's campaign for governor.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. NJ is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to NJDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15. It is traditional in NJ to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. The state is founded upon such traditions.
16. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
17. All unmarked exits on the Parkway lead to downtown Newark.
A French man is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Frenchman ignores the American, who nevertheless starts a conversation. "You French folk eat the whole bread?" he asks.
The Frenchman replies, "Of course."
The American blows a huge bubbles and says, "We don't. In the States, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to France."
He has a smirk on his face, but the Frenchman only listens in silence.
The American persists. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
The Frenchman replies, "Of course."
The American cracks his gum between his teeth and chuckles. "We don't," he says. "In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France."
The Frenchman then asks, "And what do you do with condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course."
The Frenchman smiles. "We don't," he says. "In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. They came to an intersection at which the stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: I must be losing it - I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
After a few more minutes they came to another red light, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
How to identify where a driver is from
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California; with gun in lap: LA
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both feet holding the brake while his buddy takes a leak: Montana
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case he is on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male
Junked, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists Yes, they're all true as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff.
How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?
At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'E-L-K'?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh".
Are the bears with collars tame?
Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?
Are there birds in Canada?
Did I miss the turnoff for Canada?
Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
How far is Banff from Canada?
What's the best way to see Canada in a day?
Do they search you at the B.C. border?
When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don't they?
Are there phones in Banff?
So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles?
We're on the decibel system you know.
Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?? [I think this sounds like a perfectly reasonable question.]
Is that two kilometres by foot or by car?
Where do you put the animals at night?
Tourist: "How do you get your lakes so blue?"
Park staff: "We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom".
Tourist: "Oh!"
Don't you Canadians know anything?
Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Airplane P.A. System
Ocean Crossing Flight: "This is your captain speaking. I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices."
"Hey, folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognise where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts."
"Our loss of altitude allows a unique close-up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your flight a sight-seeing extravaganza!"
"Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock... one on our tail!! Eject!!! Eject!!!!!!!"
"ummmmmmm... sorry...." (silence)
As the plane turns around right after takeoff: "Uhhh... we have to go back... we.. we.. uhhhhh... forgot something..."
"I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine; however, the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now." (Note: This is actually true for prop aircraft.)
"Fasten your seatbelt." (Same tone as your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car.)
"This is your captain speaking. These damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to, so you'll have to give me some leeway."
"It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie."
"We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet, and... oh, hell..."
"Don't worry. That one is always on 'E.'"
"Get the parachutes ready."
"Drinks are on me."
"I'll have what the captain is having."
"Hey, cap'n, take another hit, man."
"Tell the new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane."
(From a Kids in the Hall skit) "I thought you said you fixed this."
"I did fix it, but you did the same damn thing again. It doesn't turn this way, it turns THIS way."
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom: "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone-jarring I've experienced. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is," the girl replied.
"That's good!" said the teacher.
Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked.
Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each of our hearts!"
"That's VERY good," she smiled.
When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?"
"In the bathroom," he said.
"In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.
"Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?'"
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Father Murphy then asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn opens the window and shouts, "Get the hell off my car!"
A rabbi and a priest were sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leaned over and asked, "So how high can you go in your organisation?"
The priest said, "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a bishop."
"But, could you get any higher than that?" asked the rabbi.
"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an archbishop," said the priest, a bit cautiously.
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"Now, if all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a cardinal," said the priest.
"Could you be anything higher than a cardinal?" probed the rabbi.
Hesitating just a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but the odds there..."
The rabbi interjected, "And could you be anything higher than that? What is there higher than the Pope?"
"What? I should be the Messiah himself?"
The rabbi leaned back, smiled, and said, "Well you know, one of our boys made it..."
A man went to the minister at his church and said, "Reverend, we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this and have an idea if you're up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hatpin."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put the plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hatpin.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the minister's reply.
Mrs. Jones turned and glared angrily at her husband but soon nodded off again. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning to Mr. Jones.
"My God!" howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.
Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a hard, threatening glare, but before long, she again nodded off. This time, however, the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to again poke his wife with the hatpin.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"
"Amen!" replied all the women in the congregation.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 30 years."
The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to Heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in and we can't send you back."
Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for them. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What do you say?"
Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.
Two days later, St. Peter got a call.
"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is in the thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren, and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slaps her.
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them at the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.
"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"
"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.
Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped.
"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.
"Whatever," said the painter.
Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.
"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.
"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus's head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"
"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."
Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male! And Not very multicultural!"
"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.
"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"
Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"
"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."
"Let me get back to you," Mary said.
