Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Airplane P.A. System
Ocean Crossing Flight: "This is your captain speaking. I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices."
"Hey, folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognise where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts."
"Our loss of altitude allows a unique close-up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your flight a sight-seeing extravaganza!"
"Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock... one on our tail!! Eject!!! Eject!!!!!!!"
"ummmmmmm... sorry...." (silence)
As the plane turns around right after takeoff: "Uhhh... we have to go back... we.. we.. uhhhhh... forgot something..."
"I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine; however, the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now." (Note: This is actually true for prop aircraft.)
"Fasten your seatbelt." (Same tone as your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car.)
"This is your captain speaking. These damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to, so you'll have to give me some leeway."
"It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie."
"We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet, and... oh, hell..."
"Don't worry. That one is always on 'E.'"
"Get the parachutes ready."
"Drinks are on me."
"I'll have what the captain is having."
"Hey, cap'n, take another hit, man."
"Tell the new stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane."
(From a Kids in the Hall skit) "I thought you said you fixed this."
"I did fix it, but you did the same damn thing again. It doesn't turn this way, it turns THIS way."
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