Computers: October 2006 Archives

15 Unforeseen Consequences of the Y2K Bug

15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.

14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite loop.

13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 98 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.

12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey."

11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.

10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.

9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny...Oops, too late.

8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.

7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.

6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.

5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on COBOL programmers.

4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.

3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley."

2. Using a computerised adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.

1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

One night, a twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dalai Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"

With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!"

With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too."

He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dalai Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dalai Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don`t worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

• Your stationery lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two online services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back.
• You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
• You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house - only computers with laser printers.
• You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
• You disdain people who use dial-up.
• When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers - and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
• You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
• You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
• You know Bill Gates's e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
• You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
• You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
• Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
• You back up your data every day.
• Your wife asks you to pick up some mini pads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
• You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
• On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
• The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
• You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
• You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance, but you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
• You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
• You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
• Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
• You own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
• While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
• You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
• You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
• You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
• You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better--the track ball or the track pad.
• You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

Why we should feel sorry for tech support:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

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Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

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Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons... I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to.."

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet... Is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: (click)

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Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash... it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Tech Support Request: Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell

Dear Mr. Powell,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything! It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony / Child Support.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Tech Support

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to sign up for more post graduate work just for the free Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 56K modems.

5. You start using emoticons in your snail mail. :-)

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8. When your email box shows, "no new messages," you feel really depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name, and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

All computers wait at the same speed.

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrow up

Backups? We don' need no steenking backups.

Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

E Pluribus Modem

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Hit any user to continue.

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.

Multitasking = screwing up several things at once.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy?  

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note;
A window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And a gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show;
A cursor used profanity,
and a keyboard was on a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age,
A cd was a bank account;
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file;
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road;
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut is what you did with a pocket knife,
And paste is what you did with glue;
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run".

If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbours, turn up the sound blaster.

To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on "find".

"Help" with the chores is just a click away.

You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.

We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".

Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on "back".

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".

If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

Dt: 01-00
Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release (by Mr. Welch, himself). Here it is:

General Motors Corporation, Michigan

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single General Car Default warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say, "are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the start button to shut off the engine.

A pastor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed as. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

• In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
• They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
• They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
• As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

• No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
• The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
• Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
• As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Lewinsky virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone on your distribution list about it.

Ronald Reagan virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

Mike Tyson virus - Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus - Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus - Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus - Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Tim Allen (Tim Taylor) virus - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus - Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus - Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michael virus - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus - Only attacks minor files.

X-Files virus - All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

AT&T virus - Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus - . Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

If America Online was a City...

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

5. 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.junkmail.com.

6. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

7. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

8. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

9. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."

10. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you.

11. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

12. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

13. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

14. Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout, "HEY! YOU! YOU WANT AN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say, "No." The voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU AGAIN TOMORROW."

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defunct Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too

WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs