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'Top 30 Signs Your HMO is Cutting Corners':

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

2. Use of antibiotics deemed an 'unauthorized experimental procedure.'

3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter the copy of 'War and Peace' he bought in the gift shop.

4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

6. Exam room has a tip jar.

7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

8. 'Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?'

9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

10. 'Take two leeches and call me in the morning.'

11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

15.'Pre-natal vitamin' prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

17. Directions to your doctor's office include, 'take a left when you enter the trailer park.'

18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is 'an apple a day.'

20. Check-out nurse calculates bill on pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs and printing on steam-powered printer.

21. Only proctologist in the plan is 'Gus' from Roto-Rooter.

22. Plan covers only 'group' gynecological exams.

23. Preprinted prescription pads that say 'Walk it off, Nancy-boy.'

24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

25. Recycled bandages.

26. You can get your flu shot as soon as 'the' hypodermic needle is dry.

27. Your 'primary care physician' is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK.

29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward. The obvious clue is that it's an HMO, of which the definition is "corner-cutter."

Three nurses died and went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"

"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."

"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."

In through the gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question, "So what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."

"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter."

In she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"

After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO"

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."

"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."

"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "But you can only stay for three days..."

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Somebody call the janitor. We're going to need a mop

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

4. Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

7. Oh no, I just lost my Rolex!

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?

9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

10. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

11. What's this doing here?

12. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

13. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

14. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

17. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

18. Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

19. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

20. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

21. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

22. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

23. What do you mean you want a divorce?

24. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!

25. FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!

26. Pssst! C'mon and watch. Pooh's going to goose the surgeon!

27. And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...

28. Your name is Rainy What, and you want to do what to the patient?

29. Hello, I'm Dr. Squiffy.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

09. He is one hard judge!

08. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

07. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

06. Is it a penal offense?

05. Better leave the handcuffs on.

04. For $200 an hour, she better be good!!

03. Can you get him to drop his suit?

02. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

01. Think you can get me off?

A woman was having a medical problem: her husband's snoring. She called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed. "Sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Hmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"  bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

While taking a coffee break, four surgeons were discussing their work. The first said, "Accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second opined, "No. Librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."

Number four grinned as he said, "You guys are missing it. Lawyers are definitely the easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

A doctor, an accountant and an attorney were stranded on a deserted island. One day, a bottle was swept to shore and all three were there to pick it up and open it. A Genie popped out (naturally) and declared, "I can grant three wishes for my release from the bottle, since there are three of you, I will grant one wish to each of you."

The doctor spoke up first. "I miss my home and my family, I wish I was back home in New York." He disappeared immediately.

The accountant becomes so excited, he jumps up and down and yells, "I miss my home, and all my friends, too - I wish I was back home in Los Angeles." He also disappeared.

The attorney is just standing in a daze looking a bit glum.  The Genie urges him, "Look, I've been in that bottle 200 years, I'm ready to get going. What is it that you want?"

The attorney, still in a daze slowly replies, "Aw, gee. I really miss those guys already. I sure wish they were back here with me."

The following misstatements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. Written by various health care professionals around the US, including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."

"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."