Doctors & Lawyers: October 2006 Archives

'Top 30 Signs Your HMO is Cutting Corners':

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

2. Use of antibiotics deemed an 'unauthorized experimental procedure.'

3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter the copy of 'War and Peace' he bought in the gift shop.

4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.

5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

6. Exam room has a tip jar.

7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

8. 'Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?'

9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

10. 'Take two leeches and call me in the morning.'

11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

15.'Pre-natal vitamin' prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

17. Directions to your doctor's office include, 'take a left when you enter the trailer park.'

18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is 'an apple a day.'

20. Check-out nurse calculates bill on pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs and printing on steam-powered printer.

21. Only proctologist in the plan is 'Gus' from Roto-Rooter.

22. Plan covers only 'group' gynecological exams.

23. Preprinted prescription pads that say 'Walk it off, Nancy-boy.'

24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

25. Recycled bandages.

26. You can get your flu shot as soon as 'the' hypodermic needle is dry.

27. Your 'primary care physician' is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK.

29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward. The obvious clue is that it's an HMO, of which the definition is "corner-cutter."

Three nurses died and went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. To the first, he asked, "What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?"

"I was a nurse in an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children."

"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter."

In through the gates she went. To the next, he asked the same question, "So what did you do on Earth?"

"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God's love."

"How touching," said St. Peter. "You too may enter."

In she went. He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you do back on Earth?"

After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO"

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Okay, you may enter also."

"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."

"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "But you can only stay for three days..."

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2. Somebody call the janitor. We're going to need a mop

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.

4. Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.

7. Oh no, I just lost my Rolex!

8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?

9. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

10. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.

11. What's this doing here?

12. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

13. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

14. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

17. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

18. Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

19. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

20. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

21. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

22. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

23. What do you mean you want a divorce?

24. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!

25. FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!

26. Pssst! C'mon and watch. Pooh's going to goose the surgeon!

27. And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...

28. Your name is Rainy What, and you want to do what to the patient?

29. Hello, I'm Dr. Squiffy.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

09. He is one hard judge!

08. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

07. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

06. Is it a penal offense?

05. Better leave the handcuffs on.

04. For $200 an hour, she better be good!!

03. Can you get him to drop his suit?

02. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

01. Think you can get me off?

A woman was having a medical problem: her husband's snoring. She called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed. "Sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Hmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system,"  bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

While taking a coffee break, four surgeons were discussing their work. The first said, "Accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second opined, "No. Librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."

Number four grinned as he said, "You guys are missing it. Lawyers are definitely the easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable."

A doctor, an accountant and an attorney were stranded on a deserted island. One day, a bottle was swept to shore and all three were there to pick it up and open it. A Genie popped out (naturally) and declared, "I can grant three wishes for my release from the bottle, since there are three of you, I will grant one wish to each of you."

The doctor spoke up first. "I miss my home and my family, I wish I was back home in New York." He disappeared immediately.

The accountant becomes so excited, he jumps up and down and yells, "I miss my home, and all my friends, too - I wish I was back home in Los Angeles." He also disappeared.

The attorney is just standing in a daze looking a bit glum.  The Genie urges him, "Look, I've been in that bottle 200 years, I'm ready to get going. What is it that you want?"

The attorney, still in a daze slowly replies, "Aw, gee. I really miss those guys already. I sure wish they were back here with me."

The following misstatements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. Written by various health care professionals around the US, including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

"Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."

"Coming from Detroit, this man has no children."

"Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

"Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

"I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."

"The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately."

"The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."

"The skin was moist and dry."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."

"While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."

Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." Of course, by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky shortly thereafter. This time the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies.  "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.  "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards.  BOOM!!  The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

• During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway
• He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser
• When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high five each other
• He picks the jury by playing Duck Duck Goose
• During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy
• He asks a hostile witness to 'pull my finger'
• Every couple of minutes he yells, 'I call Jack Daniels to the stand!' and proceeds to drink a shot
• He places a large 'No Refunds' sign on the defence table
• He begins closing arguments with, 'As Ally McBeal once said....'
• He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra
• Just before trial starts he whispers, 'The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?'
• As he says 'Your Honor,' he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers
• The sign in front of his law office reads 'Practicing Law Since 2:25 p.m.'
• Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, 'Whatever'
• He giggles every time he hears the word 'briefs'
• A prison guard is shaving your head

St. Peter was checking the gate between Heaven and Hell and found one of the hinges was broken. He walked over to the pit and yelled down at the devil. The devil swaggers up says, "What do you want?"

"The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it."

The devil says, "Ah, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone to spare for the job right now."

Peter gets a bit miffed at this and says, "Look we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate."

The devil responded, "Ah... Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone around for this just now."

St. Peter turned red and exclaimed, "Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue."

A big grin broke out on the devil's face. "Oh yeah, sure you are... and just where are you going to find a lawyer?"

What the doctor says... and what he really means

"Well, what have we here...?" I have no idea and I'm hoping you'll give me a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news." The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests." I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little." Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...    

"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

These are 30 things people allegedly really said in court.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A guy was stuck in a traffic jam that hadn't moved for more than half an hour. Looking out his car window he saw a kid on a skateboard weaving his way towards him through the line of stranded vehicles. "Hey son, what's the hold up?" the guy asked.

"It's some crazy lawyer," replied the kid, "He's lying in the middle of the road and he's doused himself with petrol and is threatening to set fire to himself. We're taking up a collection for him. Would you like to donate mister?"

"How much have you got so far?" the guy enquired. "Oh," said the kid, "about thirty boxes of matches and twenty-three lighters."

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
But give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore my bra.

After years of astute care,
My doctor found a bump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that lump.

"Stand up very close" she said.
As she got my boob in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vise!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
A vice-grip, at its best;
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless breast!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
Lord have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me up and down,
It squeezed me from the side,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped,....Ker-pow!

This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his genitals in there
And see how they come out!