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Can you imagine working at the following Company?

It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

3 have been arrested for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are current defendants in lawsuits

In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

One night, George Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Go to the theater."

A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."

Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'"

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same."

These are sentences taken from actual letters, received by the Toronto Welfare Department, from applications for aid and assistance.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died and was baptised on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with cannot eat or do anything until he finds out.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.

I haven't had any children as yet, as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilised and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did," the man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realise that is the US President's airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor.

"I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't, but you know what a liar he is."

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the Road Again". The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

At a traffic light, it turned green and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "Asshole", she muttered.

And, from the radio: "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States..."

The following extracts are perfectly genuine, taken from actual letters sent to the Dept of Health & Social Security. Although rather crude they are written in good faith by the senders:

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared.

The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.

Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.

Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her...

In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.

I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.

Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital to have her overtures out.

Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.

My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but finds he is lethargic to it.

Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.

The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.

Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and milkman.

You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?

Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.

Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

The man in the blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety.

Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to give you anything, my friends."

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to Oz. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"What brings you before the great wizard? What do you want?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem," says the Wizard, "Who is next?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well... well... well... I need a brain."

"Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"

Up steps George Bush, sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What brings you to emerald city?"

"Is Dorothy around?"

See how many of these you know, and no, Bill Clinton is not the correct answer for more than 2 of them.

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner and a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?

5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?

6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his reelection campaign?

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbour's wife while he was engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?

9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet (the one in Question 9)?

11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the President's?

12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo?

ANSWERS

1. John F. Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson