Recently in Kids & School Category

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replied, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and said, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, then said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

The little girl left, returning a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two-dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller. "Will you be working on  the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye.

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner, Tim, doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime.

He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabs the nickel, Tim gets him off to one side and says, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hairs white mom?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Mama, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Dear Mr. Cameron, As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently wrote to your 15-year-old daughter in response to a query we received from her.

Dear Ms. Cameron,

Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment. In answer to your first question In every picture of your father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally lasting from December until March - hardly the entire school year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery.

I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed," as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open.

As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the times the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship", "Ecology", and one which apparently was called "Relevance". We have no record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation.

Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China Syndrome.

Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called "The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in a federal penitentiary.

One thing IS completely verifiable. Your father's name is, indeed, carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers. The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to whether his name is upon it. Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but its kind of cute. Jamal is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin shots I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do.  His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for.  They say he runs his office from his truck.

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no romance in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Buffy

How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood

Mess Test : Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test : Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, which could wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals - goats are best - and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test : Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test - Women : Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Physical Test - Men : Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment : Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents
-Matthew, age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching
- Andrew, age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls
- Rocky, age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning
- Stephanie, age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
- Rosemary, age 7

Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower
- Lamar, age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes
- Carrol, age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom
- Nicholas, age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert
- Kelly, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him
- Heather, age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working
- Michael, age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat
- Joel, age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone
- Aleysha, age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster
- Scott, age 11

Never do pranks at a police station
- Sam, age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving
- Rob, age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do
- Hank, age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand
- Molly, age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information
- Chelsey, age 7

Stay away from prunes
- Randy, age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car
- Phillip, age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing
- Cynthia, age 8

Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house
- Joanne, age 11

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

Never Underestimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.