Kids & School: November 2006 Archives

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's Grocery Store. The owner, Tim, doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime.

He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger. One day after Junior grabs the nickel, Tim gets him off to one side and says, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Junior says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hairs white mom?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Mama, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

Dear Mr. Cameron, As a courtesy, we are sending you a copy of this letter we recently wrote to your 15-year-old daughter in response to a query we received from her.

Dear Ms. Cameron,

Thank you for your letter. Yes, we are pleased to report, your father's old high school is still standing and our library was able to find yearbooks dating "all the way back" to his graduation. In fact, a few teachers even remember your father, which I will get to in a moment. In answer to your first question In every picture of your father he is well shod, wearing what I believe were called "earth shoes" back then. Also, the weather here is moderate, with snow generally lasting from December until March - hardly the entire school year. Thus his descriptions of the conditions under which he "struggled" to school in the morning do, as you suggested, seem a bit exaggerated. In fact, our bus logs are (remarkably) still intact, revealing that not only was your father a registered passenger, but that his parents paid the extra ten dollars a month for door-to-door delivery.

I am sure there were days when your father was very "sharply dressed," as you state he puts it, but in every single photograph I was able to uncover he is wearing exactly the same thing: bell bottom blue jeans with white strings trailing from the edges onto the floor, horizontal rents in the knees, and no belt buckle. His T-shirt displays a message easily communicated with hand gestures. His hair hangs past his shoulders and looks as if it was exposed to a lot of wind - perhaps he rode the school bus with the window open.

As to academics and "concentrating on the basics," one must remember the times the "basics" back then may very well have embraced some of your father's elective subjects, which included "Personal Citizenship", "Ecology", and one which apparently was called "Relevance". We have no record of what, if anything, was taught in these classes. What records we do have show that your father did indeed take Geometry, just as he claims. In fact, he took it his sophomore year, repeated it his junior year and repeated the course again his senior year - Geometry was required for graduation.

Now as to Mr. Muggins, who had your father in a class called "Problems of Modern Relationships." Mr. Muggins does not wish to dispute the claim that your father always had his homework done early, he merely wants to point out that no matter when it was done, it was always handed in late. In fact, your father sticks out in Mr. Muggins's mind as having the most outrageous excuses for being unprepared, including having to evacuate his home because it was infected with the China Syndrome.

Your father was not, sad to say, President of the Student Council. Perhaps he is confusing student government with a social group called "The Slackers," which Mr. Muggins recalls was a group of boys who sat in the hallway and made loud groaning noises whenever an attractive girl strode past. Your father was assistant vice president of the club, and, to our knowledge, is the only past member not currently serving time in a federal penitentiary.

One thing IS completely verifiable. Your father's name is, indeed, carved above the door to the school. Please advise that, now that we have noticed it, we will need to have it sanded out and refinished, at a cost of approximately three hundred dollars. We would appreciate it if your father would agree to pay for the damage without having to engage lawyers. The honor roll to which he apparently referred is not above the door, it hangs outside my office. I will leave unanswered the question as to whether his name is upon it. Thank you very much for your letter, which we found most amusing. Be sure to tell your father hello from Mr. Muggins.

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but its kind of cute. Jamal is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin shots I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do.  His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for.  They say he runs his office from his truck.

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no romance in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Buffy

How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood

Mess Test : Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test : Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, which could wake a child at night.

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals - goats are best - and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test : Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test - Women : Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

Physical Test - Men : Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment : Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents
-Matthew, age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching
- Andrew, age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls
- Rocky, age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning
- Stephanie, age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
- Rosemary, age 7

Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower
- Lamar, age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes
- Carrol, age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom
- Nicholas, age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert
- Kelly, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him
- Heather, age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working
- Michael, age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat
- Joel, age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone
- Aleysha, age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster
- Scott, age 11

Never do pranks at a police station
- Sam, age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving
- Rob, age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do
- Hank, age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand
- Molly, age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information
- Chelsey, age 7

Stay away from prunes
- Randy, age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car
- Phillip, age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing
- Cynthia, age 8

Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house
- Joanne, age 11

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

Never Underestimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.

Ten-year-old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time.  Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK.  I'll play with you.  What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." 

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine,  I'll play.  What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.  Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet.   He dons his fathers old fishing hat.  As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth.  At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for a late project:

1. A certifiable medical excuse.
2. A death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.

After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said, "Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand."

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid "A". These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time.

With their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, so were late getting back to campus. Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day.

The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied all that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem. which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It read: (95 points) Which Tire?

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated rudely as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in - all except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"Do you know who I am ?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet, so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal.  Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.  "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, "So the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'"

Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

My friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased that day. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

The following are actual submissions on a series of quizzes, tests, and essays:

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. "

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"To prevent contraception, use a condominium."

• You Are Different and That's Bad
• The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
• Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
• Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I Can Do It Book
• The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
• Sally Was So Bad Her Mother Stopped Loving Her
• Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
• Bi-Curious George
• All Dogs Go to Hell
• The Little Sissy Who Snitched
• Some Kittens Can Fly
• That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
• Grandpa Gets A Casket
• Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
• The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
• Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
• You Were an Accident
• Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
• Pop! Goes the Hamster, and Other Great Microwave Games
• The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
• Your Nightmares Are Real
• Where Would You Like to be Buried?
• Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
• Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
• Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
• Strangers Have the Best Candy
• Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
• The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer - Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
• When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It
• What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
• Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver
• The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
• Babar Meets the Taxidermist
• Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received some interesting responses from those of a younger generation.

1. What Exactly is Marriage?

"Marriage is when you get to keep the girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" - Eric, age 6

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ' I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." - Anita, age 9

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Kelly, age 9

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do - I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." - Carolyn, age 8

2. Concerning the proper age at which to get married:

"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." - Carolyn, age 8

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" - Bert, age 5

3. How did your mom and dad meet?

"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down. It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." - Lottie, age 9

"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind. " - Jeremy, age 8

4. What do most people do on a date?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go out for a second date." - Martin, age 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." - Craig, age 9

5. When is it OK to kiss someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." - Allan, age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." - Kally, age 9

6. Is it better to be single or married?

"You should ask people who read Cosmopolitan" - Kirsten, age 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." - Anita, age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." - Will, age 7