Life & Work: October 2006 Archives

Why we should feel sorry for tech support:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

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Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

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Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons... I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to.."

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet... Is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: (click)

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Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash... it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Tech Support Request: Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell

Dear Mr. Powell,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything! It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony / Child Support.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Tech Support

Dt: 01-00
Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Just because most of us aren't told the laws, that doesn't mean they don't exist. Ignorance of these laws is no excuse.

1. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time. The last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

2. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

3. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

6. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

7. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

8. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human. To forgive is not our policy.

15. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

16. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will be assigned less of it.

17. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

18. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

19. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

20. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

21. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

22. Following the rules will not get the job done.

23. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

24. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

25. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?!"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes - especially if you're male.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy!"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

13. Put M&M's on layaway.

14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me!! Pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink. explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loudly, "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything, then leaves.

SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career Limiting Move; Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while she or he is in earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. 'I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.'

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested document could not be located. 'Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man.'

GENERICA - Features of the suburban landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in 'We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in.'

OHNOSECOND - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a CLM or other BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate friendship, as in 'This is Michelle, my...um...friend.'

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with 'Go to Hell.'

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Stop asking me all these damn questions!'

8. Your garbage can IS your 'In' box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your Day Timer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

18. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car

17. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses

16. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks

15. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents

14. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains

13. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow

12. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical

11. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet

10. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes

9. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long, some of the products don't even exist anymore

8. You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits

7. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work

6. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables

5. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living

4. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week

3. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbours

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a 'rush job', run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me.

The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

(swallowing) Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food...

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........
AT&T: (click)

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

Hear the sounds, and enjoy the peace.

Feel the sweet air on your face, your skin.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

Stephen Wright II

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Stephen Wright

• After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
• Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
• I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
• There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• What a nice night for an evening.
• Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
• My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at THE OFFICE but Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
09. Mind if I use your laptop?
08. Just stick it in my box.
07. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
06. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
05. HMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
04. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
03. It's an entry-level position.
02. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number one thing that sounds Dirty at THE OFFICE but isn't...

It's not fair...I do all the work while she just sits there!

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house, e.g. chairs, books, lamps, etc.

4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans. If they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I, uh, mean other garbage." Walk away laughing hysterically.

5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body.

9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. The more educational the program the better.

10. Dig shallow graves at night, filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Believe it or not these are actual quotes as seen on products.

On my hairdryer's instructions: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap, it says, Directions: Use like regular soap.

I have a frozen dinner at home that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu Dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts

On a pack of American Airlines nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a packet of Sunmaid Raisins: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

In a Suzuki Motorcycle's Owner's Manual: DO NOT DRINK THE BATTERY FLUID (yes, in all caps!)

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water..."

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?"

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but can't name the nine Supreme Court justices.

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.

What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What's the weather like in Tahoe?
Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• A job is nice, but it interferes with my life.
• A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
• After four decimal places, nobody cares.
• Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• Are you a bloody ray of sunshine every day?
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel.
• Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• Dain bramaged.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
• Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.
• Don't laugh - your daughter could be in this vehicle.
• Don't Piss me Off - i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
• Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Few women admit their age, few men act it.
• Fight crime - shoot back.
• Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.
• Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Give Blood - Play Hockey.
• Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Hand over the chocolate and nobody gets hurt.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
• He's not dumb, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
• History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victor.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
• I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
• I can see you're point, but I still think you're full of it.
• I don't care, I don't have to.
• I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good
• I is a college student.
• I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I may be fat, but you're ugly. And I can always diet.
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
• If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• If it's too loud, you're too old.
• If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• If this is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• Is there life before coffee?
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• It's hard to understand how a cemetery raises its burial cost and blames the cost of living.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
• Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
• Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Mean people rule!
• Mean people suck.
• Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
• Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - nothing gets in, nothing gets out
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and closed.
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
• Money can't buy happiness... but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
• My kid can beat up your honor student
• My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
• MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT!
• Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
• Never Underestimate
• The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.
• Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• No, I don't have a license to kill...
• It's just a learners permit.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• NO, this ISN'T burger king, and NO, you can't have it your way.
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
• Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
• Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• Quantum Mechanics:
• The dreams stuff is made of.
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
• Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• Save California: when you leave take someone with you.
• Schizophrenia beats being alone.
• Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends - if they are ok, you're it.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
• Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep
• Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• Support mental health or i'll kill you.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• The buck doesn't even slow down here!
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• The weather is here - wish you were beautiful.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
• Us blondes aren't bumb.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
• Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
• We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart.
• Welcome to Texas, now go home.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
• When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• When there's a will, I want to be in it!
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• You are validating my mistrust of strangers.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
• You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
• Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
• YOU! Out of the gene pool!
• "Auntie Em: hate you, hate kansas, taking the dog." -Dorothy

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same clothes. Wear each outfit one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite sex.

3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8. Place a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9. Every time someone asks you to do something - anything - ask him if he wants fries with that.

10. Send email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the correspondence to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

12. Put your trashcan on your desk. Label it "IN."

13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14. Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."

15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

The idea is to score the most points. Your attempts need to be verified by either a player or non-player.

ONE-POINT GAGS

Run one lap around the office at top speed.

Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT GAGS

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT GAGS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while he watches you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."

After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move her chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"

While talking to a colleague, pick your nose and eat the booger.

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

August 12th - Moved to our new home in North-western Ontario, Canada. Beautiful here. The northern wood are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow. We love it here!

October 14th -Northwestern Ontario is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned colours-shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the country and saw some Moose. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most beautiful animal on earth. We really love it here!

November 3rd - Moose season just started. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. What a beautiful place !

November 6th - Snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with snow. It looks like a postcard! We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by we got to shovel the driveway again. What a great place - we love Northwestern Ontario!

December 14th - More snow last night. We love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. It's so great here and peaceful!

December 19th - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Bloody snow plow.

December 22nd - More of that white garbage fell last night. I have a blister on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Jerk!

December 25th - Merry frigging Christmas ! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the SOB who drives the snow plow, I swear I will kill the moron. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the bloody ice.

December 27th - More white garbage last night. Been inside for 3 days-except for shoveling the driveway after the snow plow goes through. Can't go anywhere-the car is stuck in a mountain of white crap. The weatherman says to expect another 10 " of the crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow 10 " is?

December 28th - The blasted weatherman was wrong. We got over 2 feet of that crap this time. At this rate it wont melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that jerk came to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the crap he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last shovel over his head!

January 4th - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way home a damned moose ran in front of my car and I hit it. Did $4,000 damage to the car. Those stupid beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3rd - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that salt they put all over the road ?

May 10th - Moved to Tucson, Arizona. I can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever live in the God-forsaken Province of Northwestern Ontario.