Life & Work: October 2006 Archives

Why we should feel sorry for tech support:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

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Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

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Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."

Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."

Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to "The Internet."

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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."

Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows...because of the icons... I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to.."

Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."

Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet... Is 'little picture' OK?"

Customer: (click)

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Customer: "My computer crashed!"

Tech Support: "It crashed?"

Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."

Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash... it crashed."

Tech Support: "Huh?"

Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."

Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"

Customer: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

Tech Support Request: Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell

Dear Mr. Powell,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything! It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings Alimony / Child Support.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

Tech Support

Dt: 01-00
Re: Vacation Pay

Dear Valued Employee:

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22, which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry. Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so.

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done - they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

Scorpio: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young and we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Capricorn: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...

Pisces: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Just because most of us aren't told the laws, that doesn't mean they don't exist. Ignorance of these laws is no excuse.

1. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time. The last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

2. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

3. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

6. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

7. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

8. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human. To forgive is not our policy.

15. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

16. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will be assigned less of it.

17. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

18. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

19. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

20. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

21. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

22. Following the rules will not get the job done.

23. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

24. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

25. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "Where are your tampons?!"

5. Try on bras over top of your clothes - especially if you're male.

6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.

7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy!"

8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."

10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

13. Put M&M's on layaway.

14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

21. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

23. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.

24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me!! Pick me!!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.

28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink. explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

31. Go into the dressing room and yell real loudly, "Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything, then leaves.

SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM - Career Limiting Move; Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while she or he is in earshot is a serious CLM.

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. 'I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.'

FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found,' meaning that the requested document could not be located. 'Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man.'

GENERICA - Features of the suburban landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in 'We were so lost in Generica that I forgot what city we were in.'

OHNOSECOND - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a CLM or other BIG mistake.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate friendship, as in 'This is Michelle, my...um...friend.'

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with 'Go to Hell.'

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, 'Stop asking me all these damn questions!'

8. Your garbage can IS your 'In' box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your Day Timer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

18. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car

17. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses

16. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks

15. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents

14. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains

13. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow

12. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical

11. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet

10. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes

9. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long, some of the products don't even exist anymore

8. You lecture the neighbourhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits

7. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work

6. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables

5. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living

4. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week

3. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbours

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a 'rush job', run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I like being a psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me.

The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

(swallowing) Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food...

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........
AT&T: (click)

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

Hear the sounds, and enjoy the peace.

Feel the sweet air on your face, your skin.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

There now, feeling better?

Stephen Wright II

• Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
• Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
• If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
• Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
• I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
• Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
• If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
• What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
• Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
• If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
• Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
• Why is it that lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
• Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
• Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
• Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
• Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
• War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Stephen Wright

• After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
• Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
• I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
• There's a fine line between fishing & just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• What a nice night for an evening.
• Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
• My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, then forget it."
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty at THE OFFICE but Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
09. Mind if I use your laptop?
08. Just stick it in my box.
07. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
06. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
05. HMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
04. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
03. It's an entry-level position.
02. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number one thing that sounds Dirty at THE OFFICE but isn't...

It's not fair...I do all the work while she just sits there!

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. People send you this list.

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.

2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!". Then point at each one and declare them good or bad plants, while watering the bad ones.

3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house, e.g. chairs, books, lamps, etc.

4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans. If they ask why say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I, uh, mean other garbage." Walk away laughing hysterically.

5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom. If they come close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.

6. At night transplant the plants in their garden. In the morning say, "looks like they're on the move again."

7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open a window so you can hear too.

8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours. Each day hack off a different part of their body.

9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs. The more educational the program the better.

10. Dig shallow graves at night, filling your yard with brown grave patches. Make markers out of household appliances.

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Believe it or not these are actual quotes as seen on products.

On my hairdryer's instructions: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap, it says, Directions: Use like regular soap.

I have a frozen dinner at home that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu Dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol (sleep aid): Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children

On a string of Chinese Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts

On a pack of American Airlines nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a packet of Sunmaid Raisins: Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

In a Suzuki Motorcycle's Owner's Manual: DO NOT DRINK THE BATTERY FLUID (yes, in all caps!)

A traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water..."

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?"

With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"

"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"

"Water..." was the feeble reply.

"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but can't name the nine Supreme Court justices.

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the other is used to carry groceries.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the dog.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.

What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

What's the weather like in Tahoe?
Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• A job is nice, but it interferes with my life.
• A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
• Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
• Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.
• After four decimal places, nobody cares.
• Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
• All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
• Are you a bloody ray of sunshine every day?
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
• Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
• Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel.
• Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• Dain bramaged.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
• Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
• Don't insult the alligator till after you cross the river.
• Don't laugh - your daughter could be in this vehicle.
• Don't Piss me Off - i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• Don't question authority..... It hasn't got a clue!!!!!
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
• Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Not everyone has film.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Few women admit their age, few men act it.
• Fight crime - shoot back.
• Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries.
• Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Give Blood - Play Hockey.
• Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Hand over the chocolate and nobody gets hurt.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
• Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
• He's not dumb, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
• History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victor.
• How about never? Is never good for you?
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
• I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
• I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
• I can see you're point, but I still think you're full of it.
• I don't care, I don't have to.
• I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
• I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
• I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
• I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
• I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
• I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good
• I is a college student.
• I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
• I may be fat, but you're ugly. And I can always diet.
• I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
• I plead contemporary insanity.
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
• I sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• I was only looking at your name tag, honest!
• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
• I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
• If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
• If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.
• If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
• If it's too loud, you're too old.
• If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
• If something goes without saying, LET IT!
• If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
• If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
• If this is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
• If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
• If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
• If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
• Is there life before coffee?
• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
• It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• It's hard to understand how a cemetery raises its burial cost and blames the cost of living.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
• It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats.
• It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you
• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
• Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• Lord, If I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
• Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• Mean people rule!
• Mean people suck.
• Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
• Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - nothing gets in, nothing gets out
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and closed.
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
• Money can't buy happiness... but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
• My kid can beat up your honor student
• My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
• MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT!
• Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
• Never Underestimate
• The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.
• Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.
• Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• No, I don't have a license to kill...
• It's just a learners permit.
• No, my powers can only be used for good.
• NO, this ISN'T burger king, and NO, you can't have it your way.
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Old is always fifteen years older than I am.
• Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
• Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
• Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
• Quantum Mechanics:
• The dreams stuff is made of.
• Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
• Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• Save California: when you leave take someone with you.
• Schizophrenia beats being alone.
• Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends - if they are ok, you're it.
• She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June flower.
• Shin - Device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.
• Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep
• Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
• Support mental health or i'll kill you.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• The buck doesn't even slow down here!
• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
• The trouble with life is there's no background music.
• The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
• The weather is here - wish you were beautiful.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.
• There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
• Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
• Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!
• Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
• Us blondes aren't bumb.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
• Warning: dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
• We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
• We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart.
• Welcome to Texas, now go home.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
• When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• When there's a will, I want to be in it!
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• Who me? I just wander from room to room.
• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• You are validating my mistrust of strangers.
• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
• You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
• You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
• Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
• YOU! Out of the gene pool!
• "Auntie Em: hate you, hate kansas, taking the dog." -Dorothy

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same clothes. Wear each outfit one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite sex.

3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8. Place a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9. Every time someone asks you to do something - anything - ask him if he wants fries with that.

10. Send email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the correspondence to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

12. Put your trashcan on your desk. Label it "IN."

13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14. Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."

15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

The idea is to score the most points. Your attempts need to be verified by either a player or non-player.

ONE-POINT GAGS

Run one lap around the office at top speed.

Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT GAGS

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT GAGS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while he watches you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."

After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move her chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights."

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"

While talking to a colleague, pick your nose and eat the booger.

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

August 12th - Moved to our new home in North-western Ontario, Canada. Beautiful here. The northern wood are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see snow. We love it here!

October 14th -Northwestern Ontario is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned colours-shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the country and saw some Moose. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most beautiful animal on earth. We really love it here!

November 3rd - Moose season just started. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. What a beautiful place !

November 6th - Snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with snow. It looks like a postcard! We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the snow plow came by we got to shovel the driveway again. What a great place - we love Northwestern Ontario!

December 14th - More snow last night. We love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. It's so great here and peaceful!

December 19th - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. Bloody snow plow.

December 22nd - More of that white garbage fell last night. I have a blister on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Jerk!

December 25th - Merry frigging Christmas ! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the SOB who drives the snow plow, I swear I will kill the moron. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the bloody ice.

December 27th - More white garbage last night. Been inside for 3 days-except for shoveling the driveway after the snow plow goes through. Can't go anywhere-the car is stuck in a mountain of white crap. The weatherman says to expect another 10 " of the crap again tonight. Do you know how many shovels of snow 10 " is?

December 28th - The blasted weatherman was wrong. We got over 2 feet of that crap this time. At this rate it wont melt before next summer. The snow plow got stuck up the road and that jerk came to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken 6 shovels already shoveling all the crap he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last shovel over his head!

January 4th - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way home a damned moose ran in front of my car and I hit it. Did $4,000 damage to the car. Those stupid beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3rd - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that salt they put all over the road ?

May 10th - Moved to Tucson, Arizona. I can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever live in the God-forsaken Province of Northwestern Ontario.

"The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

"Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look.

"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkedness" You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

1. Coors put its slogan, 'Turn it loose,' into Spanish where it was read as 'Suffer from diarrhea.'

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

3. Clairol introduced the 'Mist Stick', a curling iron, into German only to find out that 'mist' is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the 'manure stick.'

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of 'I saw the Pope' (el papa), the shirts read 'I saw the potato' (la papa).

7. Pepsi's 'Come alive with the Pepsi Generation' translated into 'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave', in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, 'it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken' was translated into Spanish as 'it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.'

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as 'Ke-kou-ke-la', meaning 'Bite the wax tadpole' or 'female horse stuffed with wax', depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent 'ko-kou-ko-le', translating into 'happiness in the mouth.'

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, 'it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.' Instead, the company thought that the word 'embarazar' (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: 'It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.'

A manager in a big company needed to contact one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?"

"Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked.

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked, feeling somewhat put-off by this delay.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered,

"No."

"Son, is there any one there besides you?" the boss impatiently asked the child.

"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed voice the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a very low whisper, "They're looking for me!"

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies, one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like manure!" The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Never fool around with a little old lady.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer coolly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."

"In My Day. . . ."

In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)

In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing," "one," "twain" and "multitudes." (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying `Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)

Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

In my day, we didn't have days. There was only "time for work," "time for pray" and "time for sleep." The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a bit funny. (Brendan Bassett, Columbia)

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions. The sheriff just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Back in my day, "60 Minutes" wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield, and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did ... (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen...And This Kitchen Is Delirious

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

Ah, the good old days. Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950s.

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

"The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it."

"Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

"Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

"Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

1. Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

2. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time- management course you sent me to.

3. I was working smarter - not harder.

4. Whew! I must have left the top off the liquid paper.

5. Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

6. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

7. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.

8. It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?

9. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!

10. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

11. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

12. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

13. Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

14. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

15. Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming to work today. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour on Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late. Or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come into work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Hoyas, eh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead, and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give eternal peace. One day should do it.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands, and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

Actual epitaphs from gravestones ...

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business of yours.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetry in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery, Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin' more
Than he could pay.

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a
consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.

Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.

National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.

Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.

Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.

Sports Illustrated: Game Over.

Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.

Ladies' Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!

TV Guide: Death and Damnation - Nielsen Ratings Soar!

Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?

Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share.

Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.

America Online: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the chemist! He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be darned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

"When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

"Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Real-life Dilbertisms. A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing /3M Corp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The H.R. Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavouringly determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"

Degrees (Fahrenheit)

• 65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
• 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
• 50 Miami residents turn on the heat
• 45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
• 40 You can see your breath
• 40 Californians shiver uncontrollably
• 40 Minnesotans go swimming
• 35 Italian cars don't start
• 32 Water freezes
• 30 You plan your vacation to Australia
• 25 Ohio water freezes
• 25 Californians weep pitiably
• 25 Minnesotans eat ice cream
• 25 Canadians go swimming
• 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
• 20 New York City water freezes
• 20 Miami residents plan vacation further South
• 15 French cars don't start
• 15 Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
• 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
• 5 American cars don't start
• 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
• -10 German cars don't start
• -10 Eyes freeze shut when you blink
• -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
• -15 Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
• -15 Miami residents cease to exist
• -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
• -20 Politicians actually do something about the homeless
• -20 Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
• -20 Japanese cars don't start
• -25 Too cold to think
• -25 You need jumper cables to get the driver going
• -30 You plan a two week hot bath
• -30 Swedish cars don't start
• -40 Californians disappear
• -40 Minnesotans button top button
• -40 Canadians put on sweaters
• -40 Your car helps you plan your trip South
• -50 Congressional hot air freezes
• -50 Alaskans close the bathroom window
• -80 Hell freezes over
• -80 Polar bears move South
• -80 Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
• -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Dear Abby

These were purported to be actual excerpts from Dear Abby, but I doubt it:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he finally did it.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he IS a doctor.

Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Regards, Carol

Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Thanks, Wondering
Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my boy is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Help, Annie
Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Regards, Sam
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? Ted
Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Regards, Rose
Dear Rose, So would I.

Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess
Dear Bess, Night and Day!

You know you work in Corporate America if:

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resumé is on a diskette in your pocket.

The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

'Communication' is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

When 100% of your time means 20 hours.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say 'Oh wow, thanks!'

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Your boss' favorite lines are 'when you get a few minutes', 'in your spare time', 'when you're freed up', and 'I have an opportunity for you.'

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as 'works with computers'.

Change is the norm.

Nepotism is encouraged.

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
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Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out of the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking.

OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
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Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting. This question tests your reasoning ability.

If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you.

If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you.

If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint.

If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money.

If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When. . .

1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

2. You grind your own coffee beans. In your mouth.

3. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

5. You lick your coffeepot clean.

6. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

7. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

9. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

10. You can jump-start your car without cables.

11. All your kids are named "Joe."

12. Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

14. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

15. People get dizzy just watching you.

16. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

17. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

19. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.

20. Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."

21. Instant coffee takes too long.

22. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

25. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

26. You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.

28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

30. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

31. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

32. You don't tan, you roast.

33. You can't even remember your second cup.

34. You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."

35. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:

• 1 Man, 7 woman hot tub - $850/offer
• Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
• Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.
• Free puppies. Part German shepherd, part dog
• 2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
• Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, 5L, auto, excellent condition $6800
• Cows, calves never bred. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
• '83 Toyota Hunchback $2000
• Star Wars Job Of The Hut $15
• Free puppies: part cocker spaniel, part sneaky neighbour's dog
• Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
• German Shephard. 85 Lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
• Full-sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
• Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 BR 2 Bth home.
• For Sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) $50
• Nordic Track, $300, Hardly Used. Call Chubbie
• Bill's Septic Cleaning "We Haul American Made Products"
• Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
• Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out a while...better be a reward
• Get A Little John: The Traveling Urinal Holds 2 bottles of beer.
• Nice parachute, never opened, used once, slightly stained
• Free farm kittens. Ready to eat.
• American flag, 60 stars, pole included $100
• Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7- $9 per hour.
• Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge storage: Please return the pumpkin and get checked.Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vincinity are dead.
• Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box spring $175.
• Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
• Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer $300.
• Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
• Bar S sliced balogna - regular or tasty
• Body Shapers Toning Salon, Free Coffee & Donuts
• Kellogg's Pot Tarts $1.99 box
• Fully cooked boneless smoked man $2.09 lb.

1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3. How is it possible to have a civil war?

4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

5. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

6. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

9. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of asteroids"?

10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

12. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

13. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

15. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

16. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

17. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self- help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

18. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

19. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

Tommy and Fred, were two of the biggest baseball fans in the USA. Their entire adult lives, Tommy and Fred discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other something they always wanted to know: Is there baseball in heaven?

One summer night, Tommy passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Fred awoke to the sound of Tommy's voice. "Tommy! Tommy, is that you?" Fred asked.

"Of course it's me," Tommy replied.

"This is incredible!" Fred exclaimed. "OK. So I know why you're here. Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Fred."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night..."

1. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

2. You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.

3. You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

4. You did the Le Freak with Chic.

5. "All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

6. In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

7. You wore anything Izod, especially collar "up," or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

8. You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

9. You even dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.

10. You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

11. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.

12. Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

13. You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

14. You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.

15. There was nothing to question about Bert n' Ernie living together.

16. Knickers and leg warmers were cool.

17. You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

18. You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

19. The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

20. You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

21. You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.

22. You know who shot J.R.

23. This rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."

24. You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

25. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "867-5309" to see if Jenny would answer.

26. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

27. You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

28. Two Words: Feathered hair

29. Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.

30. The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter. (Ed Note: This phrase makes me laugh because I was listening to Van Halen's "Panama", and when David Lee Roth said "reach down, in between my legs..." the DJ yelled, "Where's the beef?!")

1. You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other.

2. You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobbie Easy Bake Oven.

3. "Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind Hey Mickey!" was your first favorite pop song.

4. You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture.

5. You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink.

6. You tried to make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket and skate away at the roller rink.

7. Your hairstyle was ever described as having "wings".

8. You thought Shaun Cassidy actually wrote the songs "Da Do Run Run" and "Hey There Lonely Girl".

9. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.

10. You couldn't wait to be old enough to wear high-heeled shoes....the one's called "Yo Yo's" with the plastic heel with a hole through it!!

11. You carried a Muppets lunch box to school.

12. You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazard was your boyfriend.

13. You memorized every song on the "Annie" movie and know at least one person who immediately went out and got the Annie afro. Every now and then "Dumb Dog" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it all day.

14. You had Star Wars action figures, too.

15. You thought unicorns were real.

16. It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of Oz" would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!

17. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

18. You loved The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe so much you got the whole Chronicles of Narnia series for Christmas but never read the other books.

19. You crawled in a wardrobe somewhere and actually believed for a few seconds that you were on your way to Narnia.

20. You completely wore-out your Grease and Saturday Night Fever soundtrack albums.

21. You tried to do lots of arts and crafts things, like yarn & popsicle stick God's Eyes or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.

22. Shrinky-dinks! What was so appealing about these? I loved the Raggedy Anne & Andy shrinky dinks. I still remember how the oven smelled when they were "baking".

23. You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your miniature tape recorder up to the speaker.

24. You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic book orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers.

25. You learned everything you needed to know about sex and your period from Judy Blume books.

Nathan had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the emcee that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Nathan made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen.

The emcee stepped up to the microphone. "Nathan, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Nathan nodded with a cocky confidence and the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a single question all week. "Nathan, your question on American History is a two part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is almost always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Nathan was now becoming more and more nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he decided to play it safe. "I'll try the second part first."

The emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Nathan. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience tensed in silent anticipation. "Nathan, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"