Life & Work: February 2007 Archives

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers, therefore, a list of suggested new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late.
Instead Of: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Try Saying: I'm certain that is not feasible.
Instead Of: No fucking way.

Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: You've got to be shitting me.

Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Try Saying: Of course I'm concerned
Instead Of: Ask me if I give a shit.

Try Saying: I wasn't involved in that project.
Instead Of: It's not my fucking problem.

Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the fuck?

Try Saying: I'm not sure I can implement this.
Instead Of: Fuck it - it won't work.

Try Saying: I'll try to schedule that.
Instead Of: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

Try Saying: Are you sure this is a problem?
Instead Of: Who the fuck cares?

Try Saying: He's not familiar with the problem.
Instead Of: He's got his head up his ass.

Try Saying: Excuse me sir?
Instead Of: Eat shit and die, motherfucker.

Try Saying: So you weren't happy with it?
Instead Of: Kiss my ass.

Try Saying: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
Instead Of: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Try Saying: I don't think you understand.
Instead Of: Shove it up your ass.

Try Saying: I love a challenge.
Instead Of: This job sucks.

Try Saying: You want me to take care of that?
Instead Of: Who the hell died and made you boss?

Try Saying: I see.
Instead Of: Blow me.

Try Saying: Yes, we really should discuss it.
Instead Of: Another fucking meeting!

Try Saying: I don't think this will be a problem.
Instead Of: I really don't give a shit.

Try Saying: He's somewhat insensitive.
Instead Of: He's a fucking prick.

Try Saying: She's an aggressive go getter.
Instead Of: She's a ball-busting bitch.

Try Saying: I think you could use more training.
Instead Of: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000," and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

The president laughed. "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

"So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president. "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

At precisely 10:00 a.m. the next morning, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again, and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After two months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks, etc. He called her into his office. "But why?" he asked.

"Nothing, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know," said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair. "Look I haven't had this before. It's the broom's bristles, I tell you."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, "Ha ha. My dear, it's nature. Look I have it too."

"Oh no!" the girl cried. "I can't wait two weeks - I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Elvis Year: The peak year of something or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the Internet error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.