- Pass My Shotgun
- Psychotic Mood Shift
- Perpetual Munching Spree
- Puffy Mid-Section
- People Make me Sick
- Provide Me with Sweets
- Pardon My Sobbing
- Pimples May Surface
- Pass My Sweat pants
- Pissy Mood Syndrome
- Plainly; Men Suck
- Pack My Stuff
- Potential Murder Suspect
Recently in Men & Women Category
Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
10. Viagra: The quicker picker upper
9. Viagra: One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra: When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra: Home of the whopper
6. Viagra: It plumps when you take 'em
5. Viagra: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Viagra: Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra: Ten inches long... and growing.
2. Viagra: We work harder, so you don't have to.
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1 This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be OK," and for her first wish she asked to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world - an Adonis - and women will flock to him?"
The woman replied, "That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, poof - she became the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be OK, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine."
So, poof - she became the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish. The woman answered "I'd like a mild heart attack."
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally good looking, sexy, young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100. But, there's one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words," she replied.
The man considered her proposition for a moment. Then, he withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he put into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes, and then slowly and meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elayne Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor. " I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck
A couple, both aged 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."
There was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair - including the wedding party - was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you," he turned to the bride and said Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.
His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby
will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should
I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose,
and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have
a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even
my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller
during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go
to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers
smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.
Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant
woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows
what's good for him.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be
called an air current.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will
see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorised personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies,
photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q. Does labour cause haemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink
her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitise nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra.
It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby
from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. What happens to disposable diapers after
they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest,
in the event of global chemical warfare.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother
dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
