Men & Women: February 2007 Archives

10. Viagra: The quicker picker upper
9. Viagra: One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra: When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra: Home of the whopper
6. Viagra: It plumps when you take 'em
5. Viagra: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Viagra: Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra: Ten inches long... and growing.
2. Viagra: We work harder, so you don't have to.

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1 This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

10. Cats’ facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

And the number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be OK," and for her first wish she asked to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world - an Adonis - and women will flock to him?"

The woman replied, "That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, poof - she became the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she asked to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be OK, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine."

So, poof - she became the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish. The woman answered "I'd like a mild heart attack."

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work drink when an exceptionally good looking, sexy, young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100. But, there's one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words," she replied.

The man considered her proposition for a moment. Then, he withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he put into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes, and then slowly and meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elayne Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor. " I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck

A couple, both aged 67, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

There was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. He wanted to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything.

He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair - including the wedding party - was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone and told everyone to open the envelopes.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.

After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "Fuck you," he turned to the bride and said Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge: Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and best of all, trashing the bride and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Because you're fatter then they are.

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorised personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labour cause haemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitise nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties
You make the bed... +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1
You leave the toilet seat up... -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it's empty... 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom... -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... +5
But return with beer... -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something... +5
You pummel it with a six iron... +10
It's her father... -10

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy... -2
named Tiffany... -4
Tiffany is a dancer... -6
Tiffany has implants... -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly... +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"... +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"... -6
That woman is her sister... -90
You have one drink, and that's it... 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle... -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted... -18

Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car... +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar... -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it... +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional... 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk... +3
Most of it chips and beer... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
Or refinishing the floors... +16
Or rewiring the basement... +17
Or adding a second floor... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket... -6
And you're tickled pink about it... -15
You visit her parents... 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation... +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television... -3
And the television is off... -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear... -6
And you didn't even go to college... -10
And it's not your underwear... -15

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... +1
Okay, it is a sports bar... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favorite team... -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player... +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing... +4
If you stink... +2
If you're not half bad... +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause... -2
You give her a gift... 0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance... -10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months... +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day... -10
With her credit card... -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big... -40

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely... -20
You forget your anniversary... -30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station... -45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey... -50

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal... -5
And the pal is happily married... -4
Or frighteningly single... -7
And he drives a Mustang... -10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 N BED)... -15
You have a few beers... -9
And miss curfew by an hour... -12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call... -20
You get home at 3 am... -30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars... -40
And not wearing any pants... -50
Is that a tattoo??... -200

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work... +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late... +10
You wait up... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20

A Night At Home
You watch TV together... 0
You rent a movie... +2
You rent a movie and it's Sense & Sensibility... +3
It's Sense & Sensibility and you stay awake throughout... +5
It's Sense & Sensibility and you fall asleep... -1
It's Sense & Sensibility and you fall asleep and drool... -2

A Night Out
You take her to a movie... +2
You take her to a movie she likes... +4
You take her to a movie you hate... +6
You take her to a movie you like... -2
It's called DeathCop 3... -3
Which features cyborgs having sex... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans... -15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... +20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... +30
And she contracts Lyme disease... -25

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly... -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts... -5

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical... -5
Something she can't use... -10
Such as a motorised model airplane... -20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday... -40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip... -4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town... -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal... -25
You know them... -60

The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?"... -5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding... -10
You reply, "Where?"... -35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... +10
She realises this is because you've fallen asleep... -20

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never has made you cry
Or battered you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay.

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town - doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town - when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20," she said.

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants."

Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look. Another priest saw him and wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.

"Well," the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian slip?"

"No," said the other.

"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking, usually at the least opportune time."

"Oh," said the second priest, "so, what happened?"

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say 'I now pronounce you man and wife?'" asked the first.

"Yes?"

"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was, 'I now sentence you to death.'"

• All men are idiots, and I married their King.
• Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
• Grow your own dope: Plant a man.
• Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face... on the back of a milk carton.
• How can I miss you if you won't go away?
• How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
• Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• Life is too short to date ugly men.
• Love: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
• Missing: Husband And Dog - $100.00 Reward For Dog
• My wife says if I go fishing one more time,she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
• So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• There's one in every crowd, and he always finds me.
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
• Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
• When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
• Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly man. His clothes were disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again, demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts - it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again, he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! Come on,
you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Three guys were out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they caught a mermaid who begged to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. One of the guys just didn't believe it, and said, "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid said, "Done."

Suddenly, the guy started reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight. The second guy was so amazed he said to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ."

The mermaid said, "Done."

The guy started to spout all the mathematical solutions to problems that had been stumping all the scientists of varying fields - physics, chemistry, etc. The last guy was so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he said to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ."

The mermaid looked at him and said, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The guy replied, "Nope, I want to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," begged the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking. It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else - a million dollars, anything?"

No matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman.

A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters you, too, can be a real man - as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU: The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake and I'm Not, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective
(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important 1

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:
EAT 102 Utilisation of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her

Men are like... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like... Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like... Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like... Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
- Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
- Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
- Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country: men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
- Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
- Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
- Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
- Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"

Answers to the question "Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. What? And spoil my great sex life?

4. Nobody would believe me in white.

5. Because I just love hearing this question.

6. Just lucky, I guess.

7. It gives my mother something to live for.

8. My fiance/e is awaiting his/her parole.

9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren't you thin?

24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre, where they saw a statue of a nude male.

"What is that?" asked the child, pointing to the penis.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

"I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."

"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your
hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her bitch: Priceless

There are some things that money can't buy.
For everything else, there's MasterCard.

Before: You take my breath away.
After: I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before: Twice a night.
After: Twice a month.

Before: She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
After: She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.

Before: Lucy and Ricky.
After: Fred and Ethel.

Before: Saturday Night Fever.
After: Monday Night Football.

Before: Don't stop.
After: Don't start.

Before: Is that all your having?
After: Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.

Before: It's like I'm living in a dream.
After: It's like he lives in a dorm.

Before: $60/doz.
After: $1.50/stem

Before: Turbo charged
After: Jump start

Before: We agree on everything
After: Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before: Victoria's Secret
After: Fruit of the Loom

Before: Charming and Noble
After: Chernobyl

Before: Feathers and handcuffs
After: Ball and chain

Before: Idol
After: Idle

Before: I love a woman with curves
After: I never said you were fat

Before: He's completely lost without me.
After: Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before: Time stood still.
After: This relationship is going nowhere.

Before: Croissant and cappuccino
After: Toast and instant

Before: You look so seductive in black.
After: Your clothes are so depressing.

Before: Oysters
After: Fish sticks

Before: I've never met anyone like you.
After: I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.

Before: Passion
After: Ration

Before: Once upon a time
After: The end

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"

"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! you son of a bitch, Die!'"

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It has been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

He replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter, and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

He goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "What kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first woman.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the second.

They haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

The second woman protested, saying, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa, there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.
Bring beer.

The Original Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was.

The New Versions:

Pessimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she doesn't come back within some time limit, forget her.

Patient:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back.

Playful:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!

Lawyers:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that.

Bill Gates:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Schwarzenegger's Fan:
If you love somebody,
Set her free.
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Overly Possessive:
If you love somebody
don't Set her free.

HR Specialist:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
By offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

Psychologist:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn't come back, her id is supreme;
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
If she comes back, it's a nightmare;
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Finance Expert:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert:
If you love somebody
Set her free.
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Feminists tell us that men rule the world. This is not true, because if they did...

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your betrothed with a giant foam hand that read, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day would remain exactly the same but it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

... I have some really hard words to look up in the dictionary.

... I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

... I have to fluff my shower cap.

... I have to fulfill my potential.

... I left my body in my other clothes.

... I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

... I'll be looking for a parking space.

... I'm being deported.

... I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

... I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

... I'm sandblasting my oven.

... I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.

... I'm worried about my vertical hold.

... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

... I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.

... it's too close to the turn of the century.

... my Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.

... my plot to take over the world is thickening.

... my subconscious says no.

... none of my socks match.

... the grunion are running.

... the last time I went, I never came back.

... the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

HERS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit
2. Opens window
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
4. Arrives at destination promptly.

HIS:

1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right
3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case
4. Finally rolls down window
5. Hocks a loogie
6. Pulls up to a 7-11
7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee, and beef jerky
8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway
9. Gets back into car
10. Farts
11. After he closes the door
12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11
13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was
14. Almost hits a deer
15. Curses the night
16. Curses you
17. Curses the large Slurpee
18. Stops by the side of the road
19. Takes a leak
20. Still taking a leak
21. Almost done
22. I think
23. Returns to car
24. Drives and fiddles with radio
25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again
26. Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway
27. He hates your sister
28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel
29. He had to look up pernicious
30. Couldn't find a dictionary
31. Finally found a dictionary
32. Couldn't spell pernicious
33. Seethes at the memory of it all
34. But she is laughing inside
35. And of course you're still lost.