Pubs & Parties: October 2006 Archives

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Your job is interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
• Two hands and just one mouth - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• You fall off the floor.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger - screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
• At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
• You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,and [Women or Men].
• Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
• Roseanne looks good.
• Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
• That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
• Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
• "I'm as jober as a sudge."
• The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
• You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night

• 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
• Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
• Beer: it's not just for breakfast any more.
• Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
• I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
• I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Rehab is for quitters.
• Seen it, Done it, Can't remember most of it.
• Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the nice thing to help him."

The husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yes, please."

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

The stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says "I just had sex with your mom and it was sw-eee-eet!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me - "

Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad. You're drunk!"

25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees work is better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as 'gross.'
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding a beer or two.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an moron.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Improper bladder control.
Action: Stand next to the nearest dog and complain about house training.

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Fault: Glass Empty.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Action: Have yourself leashed to the bar.

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
Fault: You have fallen forward.
Action: See above.

Symptom: Beer tasteless and the front end of your shirt is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass applied to the wrong face.
Action: Retire to the restroom and practice in the mirror.

Symptom: Floor blurred.
Fault: You are looking through an empty glass.
Action: Get someone to buy you another beer.

Symptom: Floor moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark.
Fault: Bar has closed.
Action: Confirm home address with the bartender.

Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspects and textures.
Fault: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Action: Cover mouth.

Symptom: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
Fault: Your dancing on the table.
Action: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

Symptom: Beer is crystal clear.
Fault: Someone is trying to sober you up.
Action: Punch him.

Symptom: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
Fault: You have been in a fight.
Action: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Symptom: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
Fault: You've wandered into the wrong party.
Action: See if they have free beer.

Symptom: Your singing sounds distorted.
Fault: The beer is too weak.
Action: Have more beer until your voice improves.

Symptom: Don't remember the words to the song.
Fault: Beer is just right.
Action: Play air guitar.

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage's,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is The Ale, The bitter and The lager.
For ever and ever.
BARMEN.

19 things to do in the bathroom stall

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh. (sigh relaxingly)

8. Say "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill a large flask with mountain dew. Squirt it erratically under the stalls of your neighbors while saying "Whoa! Easy boy."

11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

14. Say "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

1. "You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

4. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female) (I'm easy.)

5. "Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male) (I'm gay.)

6. "Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

7. "Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

8. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

9. "I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) (I'm horny.)

10. "Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "Excuse Me." (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "Excuse Me." (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)

13. "Excuse Me." (female to male) (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

14. "Excuse Me." (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

15. "What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

16. "Can I have a white Russian?" (male) (I'm really gay.)

17. "Can I have a white Russian?" (female) (I'm really easy.)

18. "That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. "Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. "I don't have my ID on me." (female) (I'm 19.)

21. "I don't have my ID on me." (male) (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)