Recently in Word Play Category

Arachnoleptic fit - n. The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug - n. Satan in the form of a mosquito, fly or gnat that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Bozone - n. The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration - n. The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Caterpallor - n. The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Decaflon - n. The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Dopelar effect - n. The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

Extraterrestaurant - n. An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an ET-ry.

Grantartica - n. The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

Hemaglobe - n. The bloody state of the world.

Intaxication - n. Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Kinstirpation - n. A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

Lullabuoy - n. An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash - n. A rapidly receding hairline.

Bustard - n. A very rude Metrobus driver.

Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Circumvent - n. The opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee - n. A person who is coughed upon.

Esplanade - v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Flabbergasted - adj. Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence - n. The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Gargoyle-n. An olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Willy-nilly - adj. Impotent.

Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.

Marionettes - n. Residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Negligent - adj. Describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster - n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Rectitude - n. The formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Semantics - n. Pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

• 43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
• 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions.
• A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
• A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
• A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....
• All generalisations are false.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
• An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on.
• Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
• Another dopeless hope fiend.
• As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
• Assassins do it from behind.
• Avoid Alliteration... Always.
• Avoid cliches like the plague.
• Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
• Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• Death to all fanatics!
• Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
• Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
• Does fuzzy logic tickle?
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
• Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Entropy isn't what it used to be.
• Eschew obfuscation.
• Evil is not all bad.
• Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
• For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
• Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
• He doesn't have much of a reputation or so I've heard.
• Help stamp out, delete, and eradicate unnecessary, superfluous redundancy.
• Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
• I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.
• I disagree with unanimity.
• I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
• I have my doubts about disbelief.
• I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
• I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.
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• I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
• If: a two letter word for futility.
• Impotence: Nature's way of saying - "No hard feelings"
• Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
• Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
• Life is full of uncertainties...or I could be wrong about that?
• Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
• My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
• My karma ran over your dogma.
• No sense being pessimistic.It wouldn't work anyway.
• Nonconformists are all alike.
• On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• One good turn gets all the blankets.
• One should never generalise.
• Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
• Prejudiced people are all alike.
• Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
• Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
• Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
• Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
• So, what IF there were no hypothetical questions? hypothetically...
• The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
• The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
• The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
• There's no such thing as nonexistence.
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
• We do precision guesswork (Census Bureau official motto)
• What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
• What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jim Beaver, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

• I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
• Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
• Gun wounds again?
• Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
• A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
• Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
• Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
• Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
• This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
• Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
• I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
• You daring lousy guy.
• Beat him out of recognizable shape!
• Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
• I have been scared silly too much lately.
• I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
• Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
• The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
• How can you use my intestines as a gift?
• Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
• You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Therefore, he came to be known as a: "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Elvis Year: The peak year of something or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the Internet error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

A bloke turns up to a fancy dress party (costume ball) stark naked. Aside from the fact that he's in the buff, he also has a woman clinging to his back. The host of the party opens the door and her jaw drops to the ground. "What on earth do you think you're doing?" she blasts. "This is a fancy dress party! Where's your fancy dress?!"

Stunned by the host's apparently uninformed reaction, the man gathers himself and calmly states, "What do you mean? This is my fancy dress. I've come as a snail."

The woman is dumbfounded. "A snail?" she replies.

"Yeah, that's right, a snail," says the man.

"Explain yourself," demands the host.

"Well," begins the man, "it's really quite simple. I've come as a snail - snails don't wear clothes; therefore, I am naked."

"Okay," says the host, "but what about the girl on your back?"

"Oh," says the man, "that's Michelle."

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder - those are friars!"