Christians Embrace Lesbianism! Read All About It

OK, all you good Christian children out there KNOW FOR SURE that the Bible tells you that homosexuality is wrong, right? Can anyone point out the specific verse that forbids this act? Anyone but me? I'm constantly amazed at how stunningly unaware most Christians are of their own religion. How is it that an avowed enemy of nonsense like myself ends up knowing more about the Bible than most church-going Christians?

If you didn't know that the first and only overt reference to homosexuality in the entire King James Bible occurs in Leviticus, then you've no business at all discussing the appropriateness of a gay bishop, or any other Christian Orthodoxy vs Homosexuality issue. And I quote that oft misquoted, badly-mangled-by-translation-through-four-languages moldy-ass-old-book:

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. Leviticus 20:13

Yep, that's right. It's right in there with prohibitions on eating shellfish and pork. Oh, by the way, if you work on a Saturday (that's the actual Sabbath, by the way), you're just asking to be put to death as well, according to Leviticus.

Of course some of you are going to bring up the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. But remember the story. The men of Sodom want to "know" God. Now it's fairly safe to assume that those men meant to bend God (both or more of him, in this case) over and give him a really good knowing from behind. Lot, our hero in this little escapade, tries to placate the nasty crowd by offering up his virgin daughters.

This story isn't about inappropriate sex per se. It's about trying to bang God himself (himselves?). The Big Deity is, as one might expect, more than a little testy about the attempted gang rape. He famously levels Sodom and Gomorrah. Who wouldn't? The sin isn't anything to do with buggery. It's about men trying to take something from God by force. (Here's a test. Do you think it would have made any difference if God showed up as women? Would God have just submitted then?)

Lot comes out smelling like a rose (more or less) even though he just tried to throw his own flesh and blood to that crowd. This, we're told, makes him holy. Why? That's easy: the same reason that we find that it isn't OK to rape someone who is betrothed.

But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die: Deuteronomy 22:25

Focus your attention on the word betrothed. In the traditional parlance of the time (and until very recently) a betrothed woman was someone else's property (as was a married one, by the way) and her virginity was important, a commodity even. The sin of rape is against the owner of the property, her father, according to Deuteronomy, not the property itself. Lot "owned" his daughters as surely as the father owns the bride-to-be in question. Therefore, those virgin daughters were his to give.

Note the other logical possibility here, as well. If there is a damsel in the field, it is OK to rape her, since she doesn't belong to anyone except her father, and he has yet to barter her virginity away. Isn't that a cheery concept? Actually, I think you have to marry her or something to make the whole thing legit, but the point stands. Women, in the Old Testament, are regarded as having the same intrinsic value and rights as cows or sheep or chickens.

What's my point? Times have changed, kids. You can no longer own other human beings. Even in the benighted times of the Puritan invasion of New England, Lot's behavior would have broken social mores, and probably gotten him lynched. What's more, when did you last have shellfish? Bacon? Clams casino (that's a trifecta...meat and butter, shellfish and pork!) We simply don't follow the rules of the Old Testament much anymore. They're a bit too barbaric, what with all the burnt offerings, slavery, rape, and various forms of God-sanctioned murder.

Our social norms and mores have evolved because the ones that shepherds in the wilderness can adhere to do not work very well in city life. You can't go around yanking peoples' teeth and eyes out on a regular basis, and just how does one work out the equivalent value of oxen and automobiles? Trying to mete out frontier justice in a world that is no longer a frontier is senseless and counterproductive. All you'd have in the end is a bunch of one-eyed no-toothed very pissed off people.

You Christians have managed to abandon the nonsensical food restrictions of the Old Testament. You've managed to get past the ideas about tribal genocide, patricide, fratricide, and infanticide. Your supposed Messiah came with a message of universal forgiveness and acceptance, yet you Christians are still stuck on who gets to have sex with whom and in which orifice.

There is a rational choice to be made here. You can either admit that those Old Testament restrictions in Leviticus are outmoded (the adulterers among you may take note that this is also a death penalty offense) relics of a simple and brutal herder-gatherer people, or you can swallow that whole pill and actually try to live up to it. Pick a path, either path, just make up your minds.

Here come the people saying things like "the Devil knows Scripture, too." Big deal. If it helps you make sense of the world to call me the devil, or the devil's agent, go right ahead. Sticks and stones and all that rot. I call you Christians a bunch of medieval barbarians all the time, so I probably have it coming. The truth is you've got some major contradictions you're going to need to work out. Pouting and calling the other kid "faggot" isn't really getting you as far as it used to when your were eight. Grow up. Learn to forgive like your incarnation taught you. Learn to live in the 21st century.